I just want to run, until my feet don’t touch the ground.

Push myself over the edge of exhaustion to get away from the heartache.

I’m afraid of where my sadness will take me, that’s why I never let it in before.

Even now I’m still pushing it away. I just want to run.

……………………………………………………………………………….

I started writing those thoughts the day after the girls birthday. The darkness that entered my heart was all consuming.

So I took a break from journaling. The last entry I made was on my birthday funny enough.

I didn’t plan anything for my birthday, nor did I care that it was coming up. The only thoughts in my brain were about my girls.

Considering everything going on, I let myself feel a little joy that day. I received a few fun gifts, cards, messages, and a happy birthday video that reminded me how much people care.

I’m still amazed how insensitive people can be though. No I’m not going anywhere to celebrate because I’m still grieving my girls, and there’s also a global pandemic going on where we are supposed to stay home.

Where would I go if everything is closed? Even so, my daughter would have to pee five minutes into the trip, and where would she go to the bathroom? Its just absurd.

People who haven’t lost their children cannot understand, and I don’t expect them to. But know I’m not going out of my way for anyone. Its hard enough to focus each day with grief, lack of sleep, no sense of time because of the pandemic, and an energetic toddler streaming through my brain.

So I’m letting go of everyone else’s bullshit and focusing on myself, my girl, my husband, close family and friends, and my home.

That’s all I can do right now. I’ve been getting a lot done around my home, and not just half-assing but really doing a good job and being proud of my work.

So let’s cheers to running.

Not running away from grief, but towards it.

Embracing it some days. And punching it in the face on others.

Join me on my path back to hope~