My head doesn’t feel like its screwed on just right.
I can’t focus more than half the time. Easily distracted. I’m doing my best, and when that’s all I can do but there’s more to be done, is when it gets frustrating.
The forefront of my brain is cheerleading me into positivity, keeping me moving forward.
But damn its been a rough year.
Fluctuating between who I was before my girls died and who I am now is exhausting.
Like a glitch in a video game. The terrain is comforting and familiar, but a new foreign thing is entering my brain wanting to take over.
That foreign thing, that glitch, is my grief.
But the familiarity of my terrain isn’t comforting anymore. Its vile.
That old terrain couldn’t even fathom the implications of death.
How losing someone affects every atom in my body down to the soul that inhabits.
The vessel that houses emotion, that once was empty, is overflowing and shows no signs of stopping.
I feel like I’m relearning how to breath.
Relearning how to walk. Putting one step in front of the other. Going somewhere with purpose and intention and not because that’s what my bipedal body is designed to do.
Learning for the first time how to speak my truth.
And when I sleep, there is no rest. No time for my brain to process what’s been downloaded.
What’s always been constant are my lucid intense dreams. My mother and I have that in common.
I dreamt of someone close to me dying, and for the first time I really felt the weight of grief pushed down upon me in the dream realm.
The challenge is not being able to relieve my emotions and thoughts, when I can’t physically go anywhere and distract myself for a few hours.
Since February last year, its been rough. I’m trying everyday, tooth and nail, to focus on positivity.
To focus on the light and not succumb to the darkness.
And, most importantly, embracing my glitch and learning how to live with it~