towards the light

I have never felt a more constant state of exhaustion before.

Even when my oldest daughter was a newborn and I was running on pure adrenaline, because I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I’m not even working, and yet I’m tired. Even when I worked full time, took an 8 week online class, and maintained my household and family. I felt more sane then, than I do now.

Something is definitely off in my head. And now its just annoying.

I’m used to juggling many activities and jobs.

And there’s really no one to talk to about it. Because everyone wants me to be ok. Or no one knows what to say and its just awkward.

Firstly, there’s not a lot of people out in the world that can relate to what me and my husband went through. Conjoined twins are a rarity in itself, and the fact that we continued on with the pregnancy knowing the odds is even rarer.

Luckily we found a community of parents on Facebook who have already given birth to conjoined twins, or are about to. They don’t know this, but to me those parents and families are remarkable and incredibly special. And I can say wholeheartedly that I know exactly what they are going through. Their fears. Doubts. Hopes. Their heartache. All of it. I cringe every time theirs a new member. And yet we all feel blessed to have our twins and would never change it.

And I really do know why I’m exhausted; its not some huge revelation. I went through some serious trauma, and my therapist reminded me that it happened only two months ago.

What’s new is not knowing how to escape it.

For once in my life the foreseeable future is incredibly foggy. I don’t know how I’m going to overcome this, if ever, or how to live with it and function normally. Before all of this I would just set goals and look forward to accomplishing them. Taking joy in the little things. Day dream about the future.

Now there’s this dark cloud hanging over my head.

The goals that I set for myself before I knew I was having conjoined twins don’t feel like they apply anymore. I am a different person, with new found priorities and needs. I’ve had to question what’s really, truly, important in my life, and weed out all of the bullshit. Because I don’t have the mentality or the energy for shenanigans anymore.

There’s lies my dilemma: accepting my dark cloud, and using it to propel myself forward towards the horizon that is the new me. Like a seed sprouting its way from the darkness towards the light creeping through the panels of the floor boards.

I’m exhausted just thinking about it. If you need me, leave a message after the beep.

Hope is this way~

put on a happy face

Sometimes I don’t even know which emotions are real anymore. I have to be a mom to my daughter, so I put on a happy face. I have to be a wife to my husband, so I put on an encouraging smile.

The fact that they are in my life in of itself makes me incredibly happy of course. But there are moments deep down I know I should be feeling a certain way, but I act the complete opposite. Honestly this is probably true of any parent or guardian. Or just being human in general. Sometimes the emotional needs of our children, families, and friends trumps our own.

Its not because I want to be a martyr; unfortunately life doesn’t just start and stop when its convenient for me. I have to carry on with all of the little routines and get through the day because guess what? There is a tomorrow, and its coming.

All of this fake smiling is essentially repressing my real emotions, and that’s not good for anyone. Bottling up my emotions leads to one thing: total meltdown. I know I’m internalizing them. Again. I am now self aware, and its a new skill for me to realize I’m suppressing something, and then stopping myself from doing it.

And the worst part? My family feeds off of my energy. If I’m upset, they inadvertently get upset too.

But when I look at pictures, a rush of emotions washes over me, and I’m reminded of how sad I really feel. Those are the only pictures I will ever have of them. They will never change. Or get older.

I tried everything I could to keep my girls, but at the end of the day, everything was out of my hands.

I’ve never been to a therapist before, but I’m seeing one this week. I’m definitely open to talking to a professional. And it can’t hurt to give it the old college try.

Essentially the name of the game is self expression. It feels damn good when I release what I actually mean.

And not in a rude or hurtful way, just concise and straight forward.

To say what I actually mean, instead of tip toeing around people. Catering to their emotional needs first and not my own. Reading their body language and facial expressions, and acting accordingly. I am a master at that.

I will save this mastery for the ones that I love though. For the moments when its not about me, but about them.

I’ve come to the realization that if I need to grieve, I can do it on my own time. Late at night, after I drop my daughter off at preschool, in the shower. And I’m ok with that. So if you see me and I look put together and sane, chances are I am not. Dark circles, stress acne, slouched shoulders, blank gaze, half-hearted smile.

Join me on my path back to hope~

california weather

My husband and I took a quick trip to Riverside to finally pick up our girls ashes. The city is just east of Los Angeles, so about a 3 hour drive for us. We needed to pick them up that day because the mortuary had very limited hours.

I understand there’s lot of paperwork involved, and we actually needed two permits for them, but I’ve had enough after waiting 5+ weeks. I needed my girls back.

Seeing them in a small white plastic urn no bigger than the length of my hand was overwhelming. I didn’t really know what to expect, but the urn is so tiny. We’ve been doing some online shopping to get the girls a proper urn as their final resting place, but its been difficult finding one for twins.

I knew it was going to be hot that day, but boy was it HOT. Temperatures reached 100 degrees. Lets just say it finally feels like summer. Taking in the hot air in my lungs and smelling the trees brought back something familiar. It felt like my childhood. I loved playing outside as a kid. Riding bikes, rollerblading, playing Harriet the Spy in my tree house, exploring the ditch, playgrounds, you name it. That feeling and those memories came rushing back to me with that smell. I didn’t expect it, but I welcomed it.

A lot of things feel new since the passing of our girls. Or I’ve just been paying more attention to the subtleties around me, letting myself day dream and reminisce. Appreciating the things that are easily missed looking out the car window or taking a walk. I guess a traumatic event and major surgery will do that to you. I’ve committed myself to take more pictures of these subtleties that inspire me to write and create.

Usually those moments are brief, because something will trigger me back to reality. But I hang on to those moments none the less.

I’m glad summer is finally here. I’m really looking forward to the sunshine and being outdoors again. Although we can always be outdoors, this is California after all. But now its hot enough to swim in the ocean, which is always freezing.

Recovering from my c-section has made me feel trapped. Lets just say I don’t sit still very well. Even the last few months of my pregnancy had proven difficult because of the extra weight pressing on my back. So I didn’t get out very much. Furthermore, when we returned home after surgery, the weather was incredibly gloomy and rainy. As if the skies were weeping with me. And I was stuck on the couch, again.

So I am going to soak up some sun this summer. The outdoors really raises my spirits, and I need all I can get at this point. Even if its just lounging in a lawn chair in my over grown back yard, I’ll take it. And don’t forget your sunscreen.

Join me on my path back to hope~


Journeying back to hope…what the heck does that even mean?

For me its pretty profound.

It means going back to a mindset that used to focus on a tiny pin point of light, when surrounded by utter darkness. Finding the positive when surrounded by negativity, no matter how dire or difficult the situation. And not getting upset over the little things, just moving on and laughing at how ridiculous life gets sometimes.

It also means being able to express myself, which encompasses all emotions not just the “acceptable” ones. There is a time and place for everything of course. I’m talking about not being able to express my emotions of anger, fear, and sadness with family and friends without judgement. You know what? I feel so much better after getting those feelings out. And as it turns out my assumptions of being judged are false.

Even though I’ve said stupid things to people, I’ve judged people wrongly, I’ve overreacted, didn’t react at all, or avoided the right people, its because I wasn’t ok with myself. But I still kept moving forward and tried to improve the things I didn’t like, while keeping a weathered eye on the embarrassing moments.

The person I was before my girls died had a mindscape that was naive. I didn’t know or could even fathom true pain, so looking on the bright side of things was in a way “easy.” Now begins the hard work of dealing with my emotions head on and not just locking them away in the recesses of my brain. Because knowing they wouldn’t live long after birth, and actually experiencing it, are two different things.

I didn’t know I could, or would ever, feel these emotions. Going through this process has affected my brain in ways I can’t fully explain. I’ve lost a lot of my focusing power and spatial recognition. Even writing these posts have proved to be a challenge. I have to remind myself that the brain is just another organ like any other in our bodies. When it goes through trauma, it also needs time to heal.

So the gist of my world right now is focusing on mental health: “journeying back to hope” as it were. That means taking care of not only my family, but also myself in the process (which has become a balancing act). I can’t go back to who I was, but there are gems from that woman’s hopeful spirit that I need to get back.

Join me on my path back to her~

broken mirror

The question I keep asking myself is:

how can I start a blog about positivity and healing when I feel scatter brained and nonsensical most of the time?

Well, its incredibly liberating to express my thoughts and fears. It forces me to reflect on where I have taken my life so far, and more pressingly my recent trauma.

I’m also trying to be more honest with myself and not internalize my emotions, which has been my go-to defense for 30+ years.

And I think it will be refreshing for some people to read about my vulnerability, flaws, and darkest moments, when sometimes we expect others, and ourselves, to be perfect.

So. Here we go.

What happened to me just five short weeks ago really broke me. No one expects me to be “over it” or “moved on,” not that I ever will be. But I’m struggling to gather and put back together all of the pieces of who I was and who I am now. Because those are two very different people.

This blog essentially is inspired by my first blog, which details the traumatic events of my second pregnancy. Its called

Having to go through any type of traumatic event changes you. Your life is literally marked by that moment, and nothing seems to matter before or is the same after.

My life is now marked by my conjoined twin girls being born, and dying, on the same day.

So what do I do now? That’s a very big, multifaceted question. I can’t change what happened nor would I want to. I am incredibly grateful for my girls. But I do need to learn how to live with my new reality, not only for my family, but also for myself.

Join me on my path back to hope~