pay it forward

This is my hell week.

Ok that’s a little dramatic. It’s my last week before I start my new job (well I already work for this company, now I have a permanent position).

I’m pushing through long hours and middle of the day shifts towards a job that is much better for me. The most important thing is that I’ll have more time with my family.

My anxiety has fluctuated to where I can either breathe through it and focus on something else or be completely consumed for hours.

While other days I feel great, without an ounce of nervous energy anywhere near me.

I’m working on how to live with it, but honestly I’m being triggered by being away from my family too much. The feeling of being in a constant rush is not something I can tolerate for too long.

With all this rushing around and filling every moment with a meaningless activity has left little time to reflect on my girls. As I’ve discovered in the past doing this makes me into a ticking time bomb.

There’s so much to reflect on recently that I haven’t even scratched the surface of what it all means.

My husband is holding a lot of his emotions in just to get through the day, and talking about the girls is painful.

He opens up to his friends, but he hasn’t gone through the process of therapy like I have to help him heal.

Everyone heals in their own way; what’s good for me might not work for him.

But how do we handle being told that your girls don’t get a social security number because they were born and past away on the same day?

As if they were never really born. Like they weren’t people at all.

We thought that constantly explaining what happened to the girls was in our past.

Tax season and changing over insurances keeps our wounds open and fresh, getting stabbed by each and every unsympathetic person who just wants to get through our call and move on to the next.

The blatant lack of empathy really shocks me. I can tell the difference between not knowing what to say and not caring about what I just told someone about the girls.

In any case, at the end of the day I don’t need everyone to understand and sympathize.

But a shred of kindness goes a long way even if you have to fake it.

Because one day everyone will need that kindness, so why not pay it forward?

Hope is this way~


Its strange how when I let go of negative thoughts, terrible attitudes, and even worse habits, that life starts sending me opportunities.

I have to take some credit though, things don’t always happen by chance alone or by “good vibes.” I have to put effort and drive into what I want.

And being a “good person” isn’t enough either and won’t magically take me places.

With that said, being kind and putting my all into everything I do is definitely a good place to start and pushes me into the right direction. The rest I just figure out as I go.

I still experience deep sadness that wants to suck me into the unknown recesses of a black hole. Where my light is the first thing to go and the pain is stretched out into eternity.

But I have been trying my damndest not to let that sadness affect the people around me.

To counter act it with therapy, exercise, nutritious food, and most importantly love from family and friends.

Time does heal, and has healed me. But time also brings anniversaries.

The anniversary of my pregnancy, the anniversary of discovering two bundles in my belly, and many more yet to come.

My mind is having trouble comprehending that its been a year since we found out that we were having conjoined twins at my 20 week anatomy scan.

So much has happened in that years worth of time that in actuality could fit into a lifetime.

The human spirit is resilient. My spirit is so powerful and has gained so much strength and tenacity that it would take something mighty to knock me down.

And even then, you could not keep me down.

That’s always been my personality. Swimming up stream when everyone else is going down.

Sails are at the ready for more rough seas ahead though. My anxiety has reared its ugly head and keeping it at bay has been very difficult.

It’s just change, again, making me nervous. I’ve had to adapt to so many changes in the last year alone. Why is this any different?

Because I’ve been dealing with my emotions instead of bottling them up. Facing my nerves head on.

Great things are coming into my life, and sometimes I have to accept that change is just always going to be a constant, and the new me can handle it.

Join me on my path to hope~


You know that meme with the cute cartoon dog surrounded by a room full of fire? The caption is usually “this is fine.”

Well, that’s sort of how my life has been feeling lately.

It’s a hilarious meme, I reference it all the time at work when tasks become overwhelming or when people are rude.

With that said, I feel like I’m surrounded by fire.

I had a breakdown last night in the middle of making dinner.

I was truly honest to God completely ok before that. But the realization that my stepfather might not wake up after his surgery hit me hard and hit me fast.

Several hours had past since he was out of the operating room and my mom wasn’t answering her phone.

I’ve lived my entire life with the notion that “this is fine.” That I can handle whatever life throws at me. That whatever will be will be.

Experiencing my loves ones dying last year has brought death much closer to my doorstep. It is quite real, irreversible, and final.

I believe in an afterlife and that we will all see each other again. But as of right now, that knowledge isn’t comforting.

So the very real idea that I could lose another family member was overwhelming and I took my emotions seriously.

I let the tears out. I gasped for air. I frantically checked my phone for answers.

I didn’t hold it in and convince myself that “this is fine.” Because sometimes it’s not.

Thanks be to God and the universe he woke up and is now home and resting. Maybe I overreacted? But, hey, I’m at peace with that.

I haven’t mentioned God very much in my entries and that was frankly intentional.

I was mad at the creator for a long time and only recently have I let the spirit back into my life.

Since the birth of my girls my beliefs have shifted and to put it bluntly I’m even more open to other religions, lifestyles, and ways of thinking that aren’t exactly copacetic with Christianity.

I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty details of what that entails, but it feels great to accept those parts of myself and not care if other people are on board with me.

The flames are rapidly being extinguished as the week is coming to an end and that feels so good.

I’ve worked really hard to do better and be better. Humbling myself, apologizing when I was in the wrong (or even when I wasn’t), taking responsibility for my actions, and finding ways out when I feel trapped.

Its been a long and both physically and mentally demanding week, but I can sense the ever illusive feeling of hope at my fingertips, even through the flames~