Happy birthday my darlings.

Just as quickly as you two came to this Earth, you had to leave.

I believe you girls were always, and still are, with me. Just in a different form.

My grief has taken me to places I’ve never wandered, while at the same time opened up old wounds.

I can’t begin to describe the heaviness pressing down on the entirety of my being.

The girls first birthday in heaven was something that I highly anticipated and dreaded. I knew the heaviness of sadness was upon me, there was no escaping. No jokes or silliness that could distract me.

I still wanted to celebrate because if I didn’t I knew I would instantly regret it.

I succumbed to the heavy.

Pulled in and out of it throughout the day and the days leading up to it. Almost losing my shit when less than kind words were spoken to me.

I let the hurt just hurt. I honestly don’t think anyone would react any different.

This is the first time I have ever felt this way.

Even when the nurses and techs started taking all the intubation tubes and IVs out of my girls precious bodies, and they faded out of this world and into the next in my arms. The gravity of the situation didn’t sink in.

I was too overwhelmed by, well, everything.

Too distracted by everyone else’s pain.

Not equipped with any coping skills whatsoever to deal with childhood trauma let alone the death of my girls.

There will always be a few regrets and should-a, would-a, could-as.

But the girls choosing me to be their mom is the greatest gift I could ever receive. That thought alone is hope.

So I’ll fade in and out of the heaviness, and at the end of the day I’ll dust myself off and remember the moments that gave me joy.

The image in my mind of them swimming freely in my womb, like astronauts floating in space. Knowing no pain, and never alone because they had each other, and me.

And if they are anything like their big sister, they would be touching everything they could. Embracing one another, and yet fighting like all siblings do.

The isolation this pandemic has thrust upon everyone couldn’t have come at a worse time for me emotionally.

It feels really lonely carrying this sadness around. Realistically I’d feel this way whether the stay at home orders were in place or not.

One day at a time again.

Join me on my path back to hope~

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