The best way to describe the way I’m feeling right now is lost.
I had this plan, and it was a good one. I finally settled on it after much deliberation and research. This plan has been in motion for almost two years now.
I’ve finished the lower level classes needed for nursing, now I just need my biology classes. I figured I could handle being pregnant and taking anatomy and two other classes over the spring semester (while still working, being a mom & wife mind you). Then I would take the summer off to enjoy my new bundle of joy, go back to school in the fall and spring to finish off my classes, then head off to a nursing program. Juggling being a mother, wife, worker, student, etc. would be a breeze right?
Well none of this would come to be.
I ended having a very difficult and devastating pregnancy, with most of it chronicled in my first blog about the girls called 2souls1heart.net.
And the sad part? I thought I could just hop back into my normal work and school routines soon after the girls past.
I’ve spiraled recently, picked myself up just to be knocked back down again.
And Yoda didn’t know what the hell he was talking about when he said “do or do not, there is no try.”
I used to believe this, but some things are completely out of our control. And its ok to try, and fail, that’s how we learn and grow.
Plus, some things are just meant to be, “happen for a reason,” written in the stars, or some crap like that. Sometimes, doing my best will not be enough.
But man am I trying.
I did all I could to help the girl’s chance of survival. I went to every check up. Took every shot. Was poked and prodded by countless doctors and nurses in places where the sun don’t shine. Went to every specialist. Skin stretched to the max. Machines strapped to me, and me strapped to them.
And I’m still trying now.
Trying to stay mentally and physically healthy for myself and so I can take care of my family. Trying to stick with my new jobs even though I’m anxious as heck. Figuring out how to carry on with my life and what career path I truly want to pursue. And trying to act “normal” (whatever that is) so nobody worries too much or judges me.
But I’ve changed. The proof is in the pudding.
What I once was striving for isn’t fitting with the new woman I have become, and I’m coming to terms with this realization. This has been made very clear to me over the past week.
It was a tough decision, but what hasn’t been over these past few months? But I’ve switched up my jobs. Honestly it feels great. I need to work to pay the bills, simple as that. If I’m going to work it has to be at a place where I don’t have a constant knot in my stomach.
My positivity and my hope is a little watered down, but like I said, I will never stop trying~