Positively Adrift

The best way to describe the way I’m feeling right now is lost.

I had this plan, and it was a good one. I finally settled on it after much deliberation and research. This plan has been in motion for almost two years now.

I’ve finished the lower level classes needed for nursing, now I just need my biology classes. I figured I could handle being pregnant and taking anatomy and two other classes over the spring semester (while still working, being a mom & wife mind you). Then I would take the summer off to enjoy my new bundle of joy, go back to school in the fall and spring to finish off my classes, then head off to a nursing program. Juggling being a mother, wife, worker, student, etc. would be a breeze right?

Well none of this would come to be.

I ended having a very difficult and devastating pregnancy, with most of it chronicled in my first blog about the girls called 2souls1heart.net.

And the sad part? I thought I could just hop back into my normal work and school routines soon after the girls past.

I’ve spiraled recently, picked myself up just to be knocked back down again.

And Yoda didn’t know what the hell he was talking about when he said “do or do not, there is no try.”

I used to believe this, but some things are completely out of our control. And its ok to try, and fail, that’s how we learn and grow.

Plus, some things are just meant to be, “happen for a reason,” written in the stars, or some crap like that. Sometimes, doing my best will not be enough.

But man am I trying.

I did all I could to help the girl’s chance of survival. I went to every check up. Took every shot. Was poked and prodded by countless doctors and nurses in places where the sun don’t shine. Went to every specialist. Skin stretched to the max. Machines strapped to me, and me strapped to them.

And I’m still trying now.

Trying to stay mentally and physically healthy for myself and so I can take care of my family. Trying to stick with my new jobs even though I’m anxious as heck. Figuring out how to carry on with my life and what career path I truly want to pursue. And trying to act “normal” (whatever that is) so nobody worries too much or judges me.

But I’ve changed. The proof is in the pudding.

What I once was striving for isn’t fitting with the new woman I have become, and I’m coming to terms with this realization. This has been made very clear to me over the past week.

It was a tough decision, but what hasn’t been over these past few months? But I’ve switched up my jobs. Honestly it feels great. I need to work to pay the bills, simple as that. If I’m going to work it has to be at a place where I don’t have a constant knot in my stomach.

My positivity and my hope is a little watered down, but like I said, I will never stop trying~

Its strange how one small seemingly insignificant thing can take me back to a moment where I was the most vulnerable. During a time of incredible uncertainty and heartbreak.

I caught a glimpse of my wrist as I was sitting and stretching on the turf right before my workout was about to start.

There’s a spot just a few inches away from my right wrist on my forearm that’s a bit pudgier than my left wrist.

Why am I pudgy on this spot? This is where one of my IV’s was when the girls were born.

This particular IV wasn’t placed correctly. As I lay in my hospital bed hooked up to an IV, an EKG, a catheter, no lower mobility from my epidural and waiting to see my girls for the first time in the NICU, I caught a glimpse of it buldging.

The fluids were not entering my veins properly. It was fixed immediately by my wonderfully amazing nurse, who took great care of me the whole time. All of the staff did.

Looking at this squishy part of my wrist gave me an instant flashback to that morning. I suddenly became very anxious, and incredibly heartbroken. What do I say to the people stretching next to me? They ask me how I’m doing, and I just say good.

I wasn’t expecting to feel this way. Who would really.

In general I’ve been feeling very off the past few weeks, but in light of my new job I was trying to push the emotions down and focus on the task at hand.

Putting my emotions on the back burner has essentially back fired. The anxiety building in my stomach and spreading to my other organs is not normal and is something I shouldn’t ignore.

Talking this through to my therapist this week really helped solidify what I needed to do next.

With my mental health being at the forefront for my reasoning I made a few drastic decisions.

The dust is still settling, and there’s more difficult decisions to come.

But the trauma that I have been through has caused me to look at life through a new lens.

Join me on my path to regaining my wings~

This was a long week, but I knew it would be. I started my second job.

I have to say I’m really excited about this one. Its fast paced, always something to do, the companies values are great, the people are hardworking.

Getting my brain back into work mode for an eight hour shift is my challenge, and breathing through my anxiety.

With substantial effort on my part I’ve learned to control my nerves most of the time. I slip up of course because I’m still figuring it all out, and to me that’s completely normal. I’m not a robot.

I’ve done this by changing the way I think, how I react in stressful situations, and taking my days one at a time instead of looking at all of the events piling up in my calendar and getting overwhelmed.

And the hardest part of all? Well, that’s wanting to get better. Because no one is going to want it for me or force me to change.

Once I break those barriers in my mind it will feel like second nature in how I react. I really won’t know unless I do it, and not just try, but actually follow through to the bitter end no matter how difficult.

Its really strange how in one day I feel like the most confident person in the world, and the next hour I’m feeling nervous.

I’m not sure how I feel about this, but I haven’t been thinking about the girls as much. There hasn’t been any time for moments of reflection in between work, chores, dropping off my daughter and picking her up, cooking, more chores, family time, working out, therapy, etc.

Also, I’m the type of person that needs to be 100% in the moment when learning something new (i.e. my job), otherwise I won’t commit the information to memory. So spacing out or getting triggered by something that reminds me of them has to be put on the back burner.

And believe you me, there are plenty of things that trigger memories at my new job.

My goal is to not let me fears and anxiety guide my decisions, especially when implementing something new.

So I’m wading through this stage of my life.

Sometimes the water is knee deep.

Other days I’m drenched from the water relentlessly crashing against me.

But I will fight that undertow tooth and nail, because this woman will not be pulled down into the deep.

Join me on my path back to hope~

I believe in many things.

What are these “things” exactly? A higher power, mother earth, the cosmos, the effects of a positive and negative mindset, Karma, will power, etc.

All of these are not mutually exclusive. There’s a bond that occurs naturally when they are in play, and the end result is balance.

I mentioned to my therapist a few weeks ago that my dad and my sister have really good luck. What did I mean by that? I think I figured it out last week at my session.

I explained on that particular morning that I felt good. No anxiety. No weight of the world on my shoulders. Clear head. I was even kind of giddy and joking more than usual.

That’s the feeling I’m trying to get back to. My notion of hope.

And when I drove from my workout to that session, which is about 4 miles of a busy main roadway, I had all green lights.

When I finally let go, I was getting back to hope. In a sense back to “good luck.”

As if I’ve been casting my fishing pole for months searching for something, anything.

And there it is. I finally caught something.

I’ve reconnected with the energy stream that bonds all of life, consciousness, and matter together. Sounds a bit hippy-ish eh? Well that’s the best way I can explain it. Its a state of being you feel when you let go of your pain and anger, even just for a moment, and you start seeing the world from a different angle.

Letting the energy wash over and carry me, instead of trying to control and manipulate it to my own means.

Is it a divine energy? Quite possibly. I don’t have all the answers. But I do know its there whether people believe in it or not.

I understand that its unrealistic to try and connect with this energy every day. I’m going to have my bad days. But the point is that I will always strive to do what’s right and keep my compass pointing towards positivity.

And that’s how I want to live my life; knowing the difference between taking the drivers seat and letting go of the wheel.

And accepting that sometimes I don’t have control of the journey, but I will get to my destination~

This whole summer was a crap-shoot.

Now I’m scrambling to gather the pieces of my life to put them back together, but the pieces don’t fit like they used to.

I literally had to prepare for any outcome with the girls. Will they live? But for how long? If they did live, how long will they stay in the hospital? When could we take them home? Will I even be able to take care of them and go about my daily routines? What about work and school?

I naively thought that I could continue with school this fall. Turns out my brain is just not ready for that kind of intense learning.

I didn’t know that grief could affect my brain this way. Some days its incredibly hard to focus, to remember things.

And to top it off with a cherry, I feel a gargantuan sense of worry and foreboding constantly pressing down on my shoulders.

A feeling like everything isn’t going to be alright. That I have no control over the future.

Thinking in this way is not who I am. And I know this. But sometimes its easier to succumb to these thoughts.

So that’s where “journeying back to hope” comes along. This is my journey back towards a healthier mindset.

Towards reveling in the anomalies that life brings.

Riding the coattails of uncertainty without hesitation.

Saying “not today” to my anxiety and punching it in the face.

And keeping my mind open and constantly astonished at the marvels, magic, and mystery that can be found in every pocket of the universe.

I expect this will be an incredibly demanding and arduous path back to hope. But I’ve already done one of the hardest parts, which is taking the first step~