dream on

I dreamt about my twins for the first time this week.

Now that may not sound like a profound realization, but to me its everything.

I’m an incredibly lucid dreamer. I have the brain power to control what happens and can change the course of the dream itself, especially when something terrifying is taking place. At that point of horror I usually can wake myself up. This isn’t always the case though. Dreams are also incredibly frustrating, like when you want to do “the thing,” but can’t?

So not being able to dream about the two precious girls that have changed the course of my life is down right heartbreaking. A realization that brings on a load of guilt.

To ease the guilt, I convince myself that my subconscious mind is holding the memories of my girls locked up safe to protect the rest of the vessel. I find this to be true about most of my childhood memories.

Those memories broke through the other night into my dream state.

In the beginning of the dream my girls were conjoined like they were here on earth and in reality. It was something I knew without even looking at them. And as if changing frames they were instantly separated, one girl on my left and the other on my right.

Apparently the main objective in my mind was to breast feed them. This is where trying to do “the thing” just wasn’t working. While focusing on one girl on my left to latch, football style, the other girl on my right must have rolled over and she suffocated herself.

Such a terrible sight right? Feels even more gutch wrenching writing this down. But my brain did not accept this fate, so in an instant she was breathing again and her skin changed to the right color.

Shortly after that I must have woken up because I don’t remember much else.

I went over this dream with my therapist and I haven’t told anyone else. She tried to dig for a deeper meaning, but like I said, I’m not the best judge of my own needs and my intuition sucks most days.

Its no secret that I want my twins here with me. Furthermore its not a stretch for me to want them to be separated, for that is more compatible with a healthy and long life.

Yes there are many conjoined twins who have and are living healthy and long lives, but that wasn’t the reality for my girls. Sharing a vital organ like a heart is basically a death sentence, as much as it pains me to say it.

But I knew I would have twins in my life, just not in the way they came into this world. Could anyone ever imagine having a child/children with health issues and prepare for their death before they were even born?

And I’m grateful I was able to have them. They will always be mine.

But living without them has proved more difficult than my brain can handle some days.

For the time being I will ponder this dream that my mind deemed suitable to bare witness, and sit with its implications.

The ability to hold them again however, even in dream form, is quite stunning and wonderful.

Join me on my path back to hope~