Positively Adrift

The girls have been weighing heavy on my mind.

I think about them a lot.

They finally have a place at our local cemetery where all the other children are that have gone too soon.

The sweet memorial is surrounded by trees with wind chimes hanging from arches. At the center is the angel of hope statue watching over the brick path engraved with the names of children.

We had an unofficial ceremony where I invited all the grandparents (there’s 6) and my sister and her two daughters.

I didn’t let myself be in the moment though. When I think about it, I don’t allow myself to be in the moment more often than not.

I’ve recently come to the realization, with the help of my therapist, that I put the needs of others before my own.

For example at the cemetery.

I noticed everyone staring at me with sadness in their eyes, so I kept things lighthearted. It was a windy day and I noticed my daughter was cold, so I held and comforted her. And I noticed the tears in my mothers eyes, and I couldn’t bring myself to add to those tears with my own.

My mother is a twin herself and always wanted one of her daughters to have twins, so this has hit her harder than I will ever know.

I really love that we were blessed with twins, even if they were here for a short time. Twins are so special to me; I secretly love meeting new people just to find out that they have a twin. I have met so many recently.

When I think about it I’ve implemented this skill of fulfilling the needs of others over my own with most of my relationships.

Not that I let people walk all over me. I can just figure out someones mood through their body language, mannerisms, eye contact, and language, then implement ways of cheering them up through my humor.

I’ve always been really perceptive. More of a listener and observer than a talker.

What’s interesting is stopping myself from using this skill at work, and I’m better for it. I’m not rude, I just don’t engage with people the way I used to.

I enjoy opening up to people and being overly personal. I like to see their reactions. But I’m not going to do it anymore at the risk of my own energy.

We had our annual vacation this week. Our adventures were a nice distraction from the day to day and was a long time coming from a traumatic pregnancy, but I still haven’t processed what happened at the cemetery.

I plan to set up an ofrenda for Willow and Evangelene as dia de los muertos is nearing. We bought two alebrijes in San Diego to accompany their photo and other items. Setting this up for my girls is something I never dreamed I would have to do in my lifetime.

These past few weeks have all been about my girls and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Not having them here hurts like hell; truly the worst heartache anyone could ever experience. I don’t know how to handle that pain some days.

But like I’ve said before, I was chosen to be their mother, and knowing that fills my heart to keep going. To make them proud. To show my oldest daughter the strength that comes from love and family.

Join me on my path back to hope~

Do you ever feel like you’re not enough? Well, apparently I do.

I told myself that what I’ve been doing recently with my jobs, family, and recovery is fulfilling and that I don’t need to do more. I don’t need to take classes right now or work every single day just to come home to chores and cooking.

What genius idea did I come up with that says otherwise? I applied for yet another job.

After talking to my therapist about many things this was the one topic that put a puzzled look on her face. I tried to be logical about it, but I’m kidding myself.

Society has made us believe that women should be doing it all. Sure you can pop out some babies but make sure to go right back to your career and work yourself to the bone, while still keeping your figure and not complaining about it.

I don’t want to get into this multifaceted topic too deeply because I could go on forever. What a woman chooses to do with her life is her right and her business.

But this idea is stuck in my head that I should be doing more because I’m able bodied and have (minimal) pockets of time that could be filled with something.

I was raised by a very strong willed single mother of two who valued her work and independence. Her tenacity and no complaining attitude is also in the back of my brain.

So the gist is that whatever I choose to do with my life is enough, no matter what anyone else perceives. And I need to start believing it.

I don’t have to prove that I’m strong by holding myself together all the time.

I don’t have to prove that I’m hard working by taking on all these jobs.

I don’t have to prove that I’m intelligent by earning a degree that I don’t really want.

And I don’t have to live up to anyone’s expectations (whatever those even are).

-Lets say it louder for people in the back-

Because when I lay my head down at night I’m the one who has to live with my decisions and their consequences.

My husband thinks I’m complete, and that’s the only opinion that truly matters.

But I would be lying if I said this was the only topic nagging me this week.

Many things remind me of the girls and trigger me both good and bad. What I will not stand for is gawking and making fun of people with two heads, or anyone with any type of disability or disfigurement of their body for that matter.

I’ve seen several Halloween Siamese gags recently and in the past, and frankly they are tasteless.

Shaming the disenfranchised doesn’t hold up in the world we live in today, and I’m ok with voicing my opinion about it.

While ending that entry with a bang, join me on my path back to hope~

The transmission I received from last week is blatantly bleeding into the next.

What is the universe trying to tell me? Heck if I know.

But I’m leaving the light on just in case.

All antenna’s are pointed towards the sky.

And as I start to settle into a partial manner of a routine, I realize how broken I still am. I realize how much I miss my girls in every capacity imaginable that I never was able to experience as a family.

How everything reminds me of them, of what could have been.

And to further bring everything to the forefront of my brain, October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I now have a greater sense of empathy and appreciation for fellow bereaved parents, I know their pain.

I finally built up the courage to visit a special part of our local cemetery that’s dedicated specifically for children. There are bricks that can be purchased to commemorate the life of a child, but our girls brick isn’t there yet. It was emotionally overwhelming to be there, especially right after my therapy session.

Mostly I feel like an outsider looking in on my life. Standing on my tippy toes with eyes grazing over the tops of heads to get a better view. Wanting to know what all the fuss is about, but not truly comprehending what my eyes have witnessed.

Maybe that’s the brains way of protecting the vessel, because personally its become increasingly challenging trying to carry this burden.

Figuring out how my emotions fit in the day to day. How to act around people who used to know me as this silly yet feisty individual. Not someone who caves into herself constantly and is hyper aware of everyone.

But as the week comes to an end I’m trying to revel on the new physically strong, open-hearted, and confident person that I’ve molded myself into.

For those are no easy feats to accomplish in such a short amount of time, or at all for that matter, and I need to stop playing it off like they were.

Join me on my path back to hope~

I told my husband that I lost faith in signs.

Normally I don’t make ultimatums like this. But I was feeling really hopeless.

The kind of signs that are the small moments that eventually add up to create larger catalysts, that guide us into the direction we are supposed to go in. Like the butterfly effect.

Well these signs were not letting me ignore them anymore.

Constant yellow lights with slow drivers coming out of the woodwork to cut me off was difficult to ignore day after day. And let me tell you I do a lot of driving in between two jobs, my workouts, dropping my daughter off at school, therapy, errands, and the like (all of these things are 20 minutes away from my home).

What transmission did I receive from the universe?

Slow down.

I don’t thrive off of hustle and bustle, I know this about myself, and yet I still take on unnecessary activities. I cherish my quiet alone time to recharge and gather my thoughts. As a mom its rare to have this time, but it needs to be penciled in and made a priority like going to work.

Talking this over to my therapist helped me to understand that its ok to set time aside for myself. Sometimes the last person on my mind to take care of is me.

In light of all of this, I’ll admit I let some of my demons get the best of me this week.

I’m not proud of it.

I’ve entertained negative thoughts and engaged bad attitudes. Its something I’m working hard not to do.

Its not easy being in control when I’m at my wits end.

So the point is to not push myself to the breaking point. To slow down, or halt as my therapist says.

This is one of those lessons that has to be learned with time.

Join me on my path back to hope~