my girls

My daughter, who is just about to turn 4, asked me the most innocent question. Maybe its because she saw their picture on the wall, or the baby that was on the show we were watching.

“Momma? Where’s Willow and Evangelene?”

That chipped at my heart. And I had to hold back the rush of emotion that swept over me.

I gave her the answer that the social workers were encouraging us to tell her. That they died.

My daughter doesn’t understand the concept of death; that its permanent and irreversable, and I wouldn’t expect her to.

What really breaks me to think about is my daughter asking me if they were sleeping while I held them in my hospital bed. At first I said they were, but that’s not really helpful in trying to get her to comprehend the situation. To know the truth.

She will understand more and more as she gets older, and she’ll ask me more questions. And I’ll tell her the truth.

I just want to say that over the past few weeks I have been really tired. Its a tired that won’t be satiated until my brain calms down. Until things in my life start to settle again, and I can get back into a routine. That’s what I really need right now is a routine.

My homework was to keep an eye out for any red flags signaling that I needed to slow down. Whelp, lets just say I failed. My therapist helped me realize that there were in fact many waving right in front of my face.

Long story short, I’m not going to try to “do it all” anymore. I’m not going to pack my schedule with jobs, appointments, and school to the point where every waking moment is penciled in. I still need time to heal, and running myself ragged isn’t helping.

I’m going to focus on one job, my recovery, and family.

Family is everything and one of the biggest reasons why I keep going.

Join me on my path back to hope~

ups & downs

Fear is a powerfully aggressive and sneaky emotion.

Striking me in the chest one moment, and then picking me back up and brushing me off.

My fears hide behind a mask called anxiety.

It stops me from trying new things, talking to people, or sometimes making tough decisions.

Well, my fears really got the best of me this week.

Its not something I like to admit. It makes me feel weak.

But I need to give myself a break and not care whether or not people want to judge me for it.

Because my reality is that I went through some serious shit only 3.5 months ago. And I’m still dealing with my grief.

I thank God for my therapist because now that I have her, I really don’t know how I would have done this on my own.

And I mean actually dealing with my grief, not just pushing everything deep down within myself and letting it fester until I explode.

I have started one of my new jobs, and I’m still going through the hiring process for another. Even though this is not a difficult job in the slightest, and the kids are so cute, I still feel anxious about it because its another change for me.

A twist of fate and crossed fingers has lead me to pursue full time work. I resisted this at first because I’m not ready. But our family wants more out of life, and sacrifices have to be made. Even if its for a short time.

Basically, I’ll probably have to quit my brand new jobs in order to find one full time. This is causing me extreme anxiety, but I’m getting used to the idea now.

Job hunting can be very difficult and tiresome. And finding something I’m actually qualified for and is full time is like finding a needle in a hay stack. But I’m keeping the faith none the less.

This year has been filled with so many changes, ups and downs, highs and lows, but its not over yet.

Join me on my path back to hope~

mindscape, part 2

I’ve managed to ease my anxiety for a bit, but the day is young!

The hardest part of something new is the beginning. Not having any idea of where I’m going, what the heck I’m doing, or how I’m going to get there, but starting the journey none the less.

I’m mostly referring to starting my two brand new jobs soon.

There’s a fear of not being able to balance work, family time, mental (therapy) and physical (workout) health, with a brain that has been useless for the past 3 months.

There’s also a gateway that I’ve opened in my heart, and my mind, that I’m having difficulty closing.

Its like having a giant antenna on top of my head that is constantly receiving data. My brain doesn’t remember how to input any of this information, and my heart is exploding with too much input.

In the past I didn’t allow myself to process any of this data.

I would jump to one of the easiest emotions, anger, instead of asking myself why I was feeling this way.

I just need to remember to breath, and take things one day at a time.

A great tip my therapist has taught me is if things are getting too overwhelming, just look out for any red flags. Once I’ve spotted them, I then can take the things that are causing me stress off of my plate.

A huge red flag is snapping at my daughter, which I hate doing. Letting the household chores slide, not cooking as much, not having time for family, and being irritable in general are just a few others I need to look out for.

Our 7 year wedding anniversary was this week, and I had the idea to go to a hot springs. The soak and massage really helped to clear my head a bit and relax my body.

It was my first massage, ever, (unless you count getting my hair rinsed at the salon) and it was heavenly. Ironically the masseuse’s name was Gloria. I really felt a connection with her kind heart and healing energy.

But at this point I don’t know if I’m pushing my feelings down real deep just to get through some big changes coming up, or if I’ve learned how to (somewhat) cope.

I honestly don’t know. Because I’m still trying to figure out who the new me is, and accepting her.

Essentially I just want to be a kind and calm person, while still keeping the goofiness. And I want to feel it in my soul. Not half-assing it.

If I can just be kind, then the rest follows through.

Join me on my path back to hope~


There are days when I want to sink into myself, like a snail retreating into its shell after it touches something foreign. Its a habit I’ve been trying to break, among other things.

My anxiety levels have reached an all time high, making the force pulling me back into my shell even more difficult to fight off.

Starting two brand new jobs very soon, not going to school this semester, trying to live with the girls passing, among many other things, are lingering on my mind.

And I just want to say that I edit myself. A lot. Not just in person but also on the blog. In my own words I “tone down the crazy.”

Its for several reasons. Mostly I like to keep things short, sweet, and to the point.

The down side is that I don’t get to fully express everything that’s on my mind. Which might be a good thing. Once Pandora’s box is open it sure is hard to close.

There is also a fear of judgement. I have never expressed myself so forwardly in my life about my deepest and most embarrassing thoughts, up until now.

Something changed in my late twenties. Well, I think its because my daughter was born.

Was I ready for her and knew what I was doing? Nope. Did I want her more than anything? Heck yes.

She gave me the confidence to speak up and live my life without as much editing of what I was going to say and how I was going to say it. Without having to second guess every decision. And to not seek out so much approval from people I don’t even give a damn about.

I still continue to edit myself, but now its on my terms.

I’ve accepted my awkward weirdness and now I kind of thrive on it, whether people are on-board or not.

My daughter has helped me to “come out of my shell,” and my twins are the true catalyst for me wanting to strive for more. Willow and Evangelene coming into my life is such an indescribable blessing.

The fact that they chose me to be their mom and they fought so hard to be here despite the odds, is a feeling so powerful, that it becomes purposeful. That they came to this earth for a reason, a mission. And having this knowledge has propelled me forward into wanting more out of life. Wanting to make them proud. To truly follow my talents and creativity.

Because they have taught me that life is short.

For some, even shorter. So why waste time on things that are not purposeful?

My girls are my hope~