There’s been a lot going on these past few weeks and I have a feeling that everything is coming to a head soon, ready to burst all over my face.
But this blog has truly been one of my saving graces.
I have never been this open with my thoughts before either with my friends or family, let alone publicly. It has taken a lot of effort on my part to be comfortable with expressing myself with seemingly effortlessness.
My go-to would be to wad up all my feelings into a crumpled ball and chuck it in the wind. At the time I didn’t realize I was compartmentalizing my feelings. But losing my girls brought me to a point in my life where I had to deal with my emotions or become a ticking time bomb.
Either drowning in my own grief and my lack of emotional coping skills, or putting myself back together for my daughter, my husband, and for myself. Filtering information from the world around me like a
To this day I find myself building up armor delicately faceted to my body like a pill bug, tricking all intruders to believing that its made of strength and confidence. Each day I laboriously chip away at this falsity, exposing my heart with each falling piece.
The girls have been on my mind a lot lately, I think its inevitable with the holiday season.
I’ll randomly get a flash in my mind of them hooked up to wires and breathing tubes and suddenly my gut clenches. My breath lodges itself in my throat and I have a mini panic attack.
It’s quite a horrible flashback, and makes me incredibly heartbroken. I’ve had a few of these flashbacks this week, and always at the most inappropriate times.
I’m very self conscious so I don’t like to cry around people. I prefer to grieve or have a really good cry in private if I can help it.
Although my eyes are usually the dead give away of how I’m feeling, but most people don’t pay that close attention.
I’m ripping a page out of my own book by taking each day as they come. That’s really all I can do at this point.
Steadying my compass and my mind towards positivity, especially when times are hard.
Join me on my path back to hope~