just be

As I sit in my backyard I can feel the little hairs on my pale legs flutter in the wind.

Most people aren’t impressed with the wind that blows continously throughout the year in our small city. I’ve lived here for twenty years, you just get used to it. Then I realize that the wind is gusting from the Pacific Ocean, maybe ten miles away, and I feel pretty lucky.

I contemplate why I haven’t written much in the past few weeks. Why I’ve pulled out some of my hair.

I don’t have complete thoughts, or even answers. Just repressed feelings.

Furthermore, its incredibly exhausting trying to figure out why and how I’m feeling on a daily basis. Just don’t want to do it anymore.

I suppose subconsciously I’ve decided to just be.

Be in the moment with my family, in conversations. Whatever task needs to be done, I either tackle or not. If its imperative then it gets done sooner.

I’m done feeling overwhelmed with the days bleeding into the next, mirroring the movie Ground Hogs Day.

I didn’t ask to stay at home and not work. Shit I’ve had five jobs in the past two years, if that doesn’t show my passion for working outside the home then I don’t know what does. There are reasons for so many jobs and I won’t get into it; a difficult pregnancy, one job going out of business, and me going back to school are just to name a few.

But I think not working is exactly what I needed.

I’m not the best judge of my own needs, so the universe gives me a swift kick in the ass every once in awhile to get me back on track.

So I’ve been focusing on my girl and my husband, and keeping my twins in my heart.

Really and truly practicing patience, to where it is second nature.

Sure I could get mad and pissed off all day long. But that’s the easy road, the one I’ve traveled most of my life. I don’t like who that person is on that path.

I get more out of living life on this earth by sowing seeds of compassion and empathy, and humbling myself. Without sarcasm or patronizing.

At this time, I’m going to just be~

Join me, shall you?

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