Positively Adrift

Whelp, didn’t think I’d go off the deep end tonight, but here I am.

Through the smiles and laid back facade, I am still pretty messed up.

If you ask me how I’m doing my answer is almost always “good.” Because I usually am, and it sounds better than “fine.” And most people don’t really want to know how your doing.

They want to get on with their lives and be blissfully thinking that I’m alright, because it makes them feel better.

So once again, everyone just wants me to be ok. But news flash: I am not. And I’m coming to terms with this revelation. Do you ever get those questions where there’s a fixed answer, like “your okay. Right????”

That doesn’t mean I’m sitting around moping and feeling sorry for myself. Far from it. I find it very difficult to sit for too long doing nothing. It means I’m finding it hard to function some days, and I’m constantly reminded of what happened.

So an off hand comment made to sound funny or clever, is actually really hurtful. The pain in my heart is still there and is very fresh, and deep.

In fact, I feel more heartache now than I did when the girls died. I’ve been told this is pretty common with people who experience trauma. The severity of the trauma is not realized until weeks or months after the fact.

I am the poster child for this phenomenon. In the moment I’m in survival mode. As time passes and all is said and done, I am left with the consequences of my decisions.

Trapped inside my head. With the guilt. The pain. The memories. And the memories I can never make with my girls.

Its all there, constantly cycling through my brain. Some days I can quiet the noise, but tonight I could not. A cocktail of a defiant toddler, loneliness, canceled plans, hormones, and an insensitive comment did the trick.

At the end of the day its my burden to carry, and I will carry it like a champ. Like I do everything else.

But it would be nice to have some one to lean on every once in a while, to lighten the load.

Join me on my path back to hope~

I have never felt a more constant state of exhaustion before.

Even when my oldest daughter was a newborn and I was running on pure adrenaline, because I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I’m not even working, and yet I’m tired. Even when I worked full time, took an 8 week online class, and maintained my household and family. I felt more sane then, than I do now.

Something is definitely off in my head. And now its just annoying.

I’m used to juggling many activities and jobs.

And there’s really no one to talk to about it. Because everyone wants me to be ok. Or no one knows what to say and its just awkward.

Firstly, there’s not a lot of people out in the world that can relate to what me and my husband went through. Conjoined twins are a rarity in itself, and the fact that we continued on with the pregnancy knowing the odds is even rarer.

Luckily we found a community of parents on Facebook who have already given birth to conjoined twins, or are about to. They don’t know this, but to me those parents and families are remarkable and incredibly special. And I can say wholeheartedly that I know exactly what they are going through. Their fears. Doubts. Hopes. Their heartache. All of it. I cringe every time theirs a new member. And yet we all feel blessed to have our twins and would never change it.

And I really do know why I’m exhausted; its not some huge revelation. I went through some serious trauma, and my therapist reminded me that it happened only two months ago.

What’s new is not knowing how to escape it.

For once in my life the foreseeable future is incredibly foggy. I don’t know how I’m going to overcome this, if ever, or how to live with it and function normally. Before all of this I would just set goals and look forward to accomplishing them. Taking joy in the little things. Day dream about the future.

Now there’s this dark cloud hanging over my head.

The goals that I set for myself before I knew I was having conjoined twins don’t feel like they apply anymore. I am a different person, with new found priorities and needs. I’ve had to question what’s really, truly, important in my life, and weed out all of the bullshit. Because I don’t have the mentality or the energy for shenanigans anymore.

There’s lies my dilemma: accepting my dark cloud, and using it to propel myself forward towards the horizon that is the new me. Like a seed sprouting its way from the darkness towards the light creeping through the panels of the floor boards.

I’m exhausted just thinking about it. If you need me, leave a message after the beep.

Hope is this way~

My husband and I took a quick trip to Riverside to finally pick up our girls ashes. The city is just east of Los Angeles, so about a 3 hour drive for us. We needed to pick them up that day because the mortuary had very limited hours.

I understand there’s lot of paperwork involved, and we actually needed two permits for them, but I’ve had enough after waiting 5+ weeks. I needed my girls back.

Seeing them in a small white plastic urn no bigger than the length of my hand was overwhelming. I didn’t really know what to expect, but the urn is so tiny. We’ve been doing some online shopping to get the girls a proper urn as their final resting place, but its been difficult finding one for twins.

I knew it was going to be hot that day, but boy was it HOT. Temperatures reached 100 degrees. Lets just say it finally feels like summer. Taking in the hot air in my lungs and smelling the trees brought back something familiar. It felt like my childhood. I loved playing outside as a kid. Riding bikes, rollerblading, playing Harriet the Spy in my tree house, exploring the ditch, playgrounds, you name it. That feeling and those memories came rushing back to me with that smell. I didn’t expect it, but I welcomed it.

A lot of things feel new since the passing of our girls. Or I’ve just been paying more attention to the subtleties around me, letting myself day dream and reminisce. Appreciating the things that are easily missed looking out the car window or taking a walk. I guess a traumatic event and major surgery will do that to you. I’ve committed myself to take more pictures of these subtleties that inspire me to write and create.

Usually those moments are brief, because something will trigger me back to reality. But I hang on to those moments none the less.

I’m glad summer is finally here. I’m really looking forward to the sunshine and being outdoors again. Although we can always be outdoors, this is California after all. But now its hot enough to swim in the ocean, which is always freezing.

Recovering from my c-section has made me feel trapped. Lets just say I don’t sit still very well. Even the last few months of my pregnancy had proven difficult because of the extra weight pressing on my back. So I didn’t get out very much. Furthermore, when we returned home after surgery, the weather was incredibly gloomy and rainy. As if the skies were weeping with me. And I was stuck on the couch, again.

So I am going to soak up some sun this summer. The outdoors really raises my spirits, and I need all I can get at this point. Even if its just lounging in a lawn chair in my over grown back yard, I’ll take it. And don’t forget your sunscreen.

Join me on my path back to hope~

Journeying back to hope…what the heck does that even mean?

For me its pretty profound.

It means going back to a mindset that used to focus on a tiny pin point of light, when surrounded by utter darkness. Finding the positive when surrounded by negativity, no matter how dire or difficult the situation. And not getting upset over the little things, just moving on and laughing at how ridiculous life gets sometimes.

It also means being able to express myself, which encompasses all emotions not just the “acceptable” ones. There is a time and place for everything of course. I’m talking about not being able to express my emotions of anger, fear, and sadness with family and friends without judgement. You know what? I feel so much better after getting those feelings out. And as it turns out my assumptions of being judged are false.

Even though I’ve said stupid things to people, I’ve judged people wrongly, I’ve overreacted, didn’t react at all, or avoided the right people, its because I wasn’t ok with myself. But I still kept moving forward and tried to improve the things I didn’t like, while keeping a weathered eye on the embarrassing moments.

The person I was before my girls died had a mindscape that was naive. I didn’t know or could even fathom true pain, so looking on the bright side of things was in a way “easy.” Now begins the hard work of dealing with my emotions head on and not just locking them away in the recesses of my brain. Because knowing they wouldn’t live long after birth, and actually experiencing it, are two different things.

I didn’t know I could, or would ever, feel these emotions. Going through this process has affected my brain in ways I can’t fully explain. I’ve lost a lot of my focusing power and spatial recognition. Even writing these posts have proved to be a challenge. I have to remind myself that the brain is just another organ like any other in our bodies. When it goes through trauma, it also needs time to heal.

So the gist of my world right now is focusing on mental health: “journeying back to hope” as it were. That means taking care of not only my family, but also myself in the process (which has become a balancing act). I can’t go back to who I was, but there are gems from that woman’s hopeful spirit that I need to get back.

Join me on my path back to her~