now & infinity

This week is more challenging than I ever could have fathomed with my hamster brain.

I knew the day was coming, and the fact that its almost here is surreal.

The twins first birthday in heaven is this Saturday.

The trials.

The emotions I never allowed myself to feel in the past.

The onslot of love that has filled and over flowed my cup could squeeze into a lifetime, not a year.

I’ve put a lot of pressure on myself to keep moving forward, to get help. With my therapy sessions, workouts, talking with loved ones, keeping an open heart and mind, giving myself grace, and so forth.

Everyone wants me to keep the faith, stay strong, and to just be ok.

It’s one thing to agree with all those things, and its quite another to rise to the challenge and undertake it.

I’ve accomplished so much in the past year that no one will truly know except the God’s themselves. And it’s all thanks to my girls.

It breaks me to realize that I needed to be their mama in order to grow and be better. That guilt is heavy on my heart.

The sadness that naturally comes with this birthday has hit me hard too, I can’t even describe it.

Having little to zero alone time to process or to not think at all has made me irritable at times and mostly frustrated.

This week just sucks.

And I try to think back to the events of last year, exactly what we were going through, all of the uncertainty.

We were deciding whether or not to give birth at our local hospital, which was heavily pushed on us by the locals. Or at UCLA, where all the specialists were at and doctors I trusted, who put our girls interests first, but was at least four hours away.

At the end of the day I would have traveled to the end of the galaxy and back for them.

We told everyone that our goal was to hold them in our arms and provide comfort care, which was so very true. But secretly, in my heart of hearts, I hoped the girls would have a strong enough heart and lungs to at the very least survive off a ventilator. Maybe for awhile, to get strong.

It’s not over until it’s over I thought, not on my watch.

But they had too many cards stacked against them. Defective organs not allowing for proper oxygen and blood flow. And anatomy not suited for organs and tissues to work for two girls; vessels not meant for this world.

And now it’s time to celebrate them on their first birthday, during a global pandemic none the less.

I decided last minute to make some favors for the grandparents and their close aunts and uncles. I created a pinterest style table with decorations, and I’ll get a cake. No need to visit a cemetery because our girls are always here with us in their beautiful urn. I’d like to plant a small tree in their memory as well.

Our family can’t come together in celebration right now, but my wish is that they aren’t forgotten.

My husband and I planned their conception, continued with the pregnancy despite their odds, and we still love and want them now and infinity.

Join me on my path back to hope~

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