twist and escalate

I have finally accepted that I can do everything, and nothing at all.

During lockdown, when lockdown is slowly diminished, for the rest of my life, when I’m uploaded to the matrix, and so forth.

I’ve accepted (most) of my limitations. I’m a Taurus after all; my determination is ever flowing.

And my ego, that I didn’t realize I possessed, has taken me to places in my early years that I don’t care to revisit. I tell myself I can do all of these things, I have no excuse, just do it.

This road I’m on of self reflection since I birthed my girls has continued to twist and escalate through the stay at home orders.

So with that stream of consciousness in mind, I’ve decided to be a little more selfish.

This act in of itself protects my family, and of course myself.

Since lockdown first started for me six weeks ago, my first thoughts were, “How can I help?”

This has always been my first reaction in any situation. Pondering how to ease the tension. Make life easier for others, not taking into account my own needs.

I could get yet another job, help out my family financially (thankfully we are doing ok).

I could use my time to do a “side hustle” (don’t even get me started on that).

I could sew a thousand masks and donate them; be some kind of hero and satisfy my ego.

I could volunteer somewhere. I’m able bodied and have time to spare.

Don’t get me wrong. The courageous people out there working all these jobs while fighting off the virus, just to go home and do more work and teach their children are badasses.

But I have the choice for once to stay home. A luxury most don’t have.

Just to leave it at that isn’t fair though.

I have a daughter to take care of and no childcare if I was hired for a third job, or volunteered somewhere.

My mother has major preexisting conditions, and I wouldn’t dare ask her to watch her granddaughter. As much as that sentence breaks my heart.

Relying on her other grandparents wouldn’t be right either if I can help it.

And I have seen death.

I held my girls in my arms while they struggled to breath on their own. Their bodies not fully equipped with mature or even anatomically correct lungs and a shared heart.

More death in my family would be unbearable.

The goal is to minimize contact with as many people as possible. Yes the virus can live on surfaces and can become airborne.

But I’m not going to venture out into the world because I have a minor case of cabin fever or a hero’s complex. Inadvertently becoming a carrier, passing on the virus with a nudge or breath.

So I’m giving a big middle finger to my ego. The hero I need to be is for my family.

If I had to be out in the public because of a needed skill or to put food on the table, that’s a different story as well.

Therefore I’m doing everything I can and nothing at all, when the occasion calls for it.

And I thank and appreciate a thousand times over all the hard workers out there, both in and outside of their homes.

Hope is not cancelled~

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