these are the days
Circumstances came to a head last weekend. We snapped at each other, like all couples do.
Some problems run deep and need time to work through. Especially when those problems are wounds that have never healed, or are just starting to scab over, stemming from childhood traumas.
I am not the same person I was before my twins were born. My growth and maturity started developing years before though, even before my first daughter was born almost five years ago.
Anger was my go-to emotion in my early twenties when I felt threatened. Such an easy emotion to jump to, instead of opening my heart and mind as to why I felt threatened in the first place.
How could I not get angry though when most people ignored me, bullied me, or didn’t take me seriously?
With time I developed self confidence; shielding myself from the neigh sayers. Pleasing everyone is also incredibly exhausting, and I don’t know how I did it for so long.
My husband was the first person who didn’t judge me or make everything into an unspoken competition. I’m grateful he stuck around through all my shenanigan, and I’ve done the same.
Ultimately all three of my girls were the catalysts for change within my heart. Breaking down the walls and really healing the meat within.
Progress is slow or nonexistent during this pandemic though. So I’m giving myself slack, as well as every other human on the planet.
This Great Pause is something we have never experienced in our own lifetimes let alone in modern human history.
Everyone has been affected by the virus and I’m trying not to judge those who react differently than me.
With so many of our routines taken away from us, we are all looking for ways to find some form of control.
Either by over buying at the store, obsessing over projects at home, vegging out and doing nothing at all, violating stay at home requests, and now protesting after almost six weeks of lockdowns.
There’s days where I’m a combination of some of these. Other days I’m really productive.
Then there are times I cave into myself. An all encompassing feeling of despair; my mind focusing only on that feeling, dragging the rest of my being down with it.
Maybe it’s my lack of attention span, or a coping mechanism that I subconsciously learned long ago, but the feeling doesn’t hold me hostage for too long.
But it’s always there, lingering in the shadows.
The way I’m getting through this pandemic is focusing on my family, mostly my daughter.
Signs are pointing towards another growth spurt; she’s getting her six year molars at four and a half for Pete’s sake. And she just lost her first tooth!
Her “schooling” consists of the creatures we find dead or alive on our nature walks, crafting, “helping” me bake/cook by playing with flour, re-potting plants, and lots of snuggles.
We are both learning how to be around one another 24/7. It gets easier with time, and she’s actually incredibly sweet and compassionate when she’s not talking my ear off or being defiant.
For now I’m taking each day as they come, and making the best of it despite how I feel.
Cutting people some slack and keeping an open mind, especially with the two knuckleheads I’m quarantined with.
Join me on my path back to hope》》》》》》》》》》》》