habits

Whelp. The time has officially come.

I new a mental breakdown was eminent, but on Easter?

Wednesday is my therapy and virtual workout so of course I feel mostly normal on those days. Plus I had other tasks to keep my kind occupied.

Thursday was blahbidy, but I try to not let it affect my daughter.

Friday I felt abnormally good. A big part of that is that I was incredibly rested. Sleep has always escaped me, for various reasons, but recently it’s a cocktail of impending doom and a dash of self sabotage.

Saturday was blahbidy again. I try not to focus on it, instead keeping my mind occupied with tasks and my daughter’s and husbands needs.

And Sunday morning…zero sleep was to be had last night. I’m upset for reasons I can’t really talk about. I felt panicky right before I stepped into the shower, then allowed myself to just let it all out.

I suppose I’m a master at hiding true feelings.

I was really crying and heaving, which I don’t usually do, when my daughter came in to my surprise. I immediately tried to stop because she’s sensitive to other people’s emotions.

So I cut myself off, cleared my throat, and told her I was ok. That’s what she needs to hear right now.

I’m writing this right after it happened. My question is where do I go from here?

I’ve been trying to answer that question since my girls were born. I was finding the answers. But the answers are glazed over since this pandemic hit.

I write because I don’t know how to talk to people about what’s in my head. What I see and how I perceive the world.

Mostly for fear of judgment, and when you have been a listener your whole life you know when people aren’t listening.

I protect myself from people’s reactions, while protecting those who I know will listen with small doses of what is really going on in my head.

Unfortunately, I admit I’m protecting my therapist as well. Which is so ass backwards.

I don’t tell her all the embarrassing things, maybe I’m trying to forget them. To move forward on my own.

I guess it comes down to habits. When I’ve closed myself off for my whole life, letting people in, and I mean REALLY into my heart, is a challenge I didn’t foresee.

I thought I was pretty open before. But I’m not. I hold back a lot. Part of it is trouble focusing.

When you’re used to being everyone else’s cheerleader, who will be mine?

Join me on my path back to hope~