my part

Weekly therapy sessions since July of last year have created insightful new channels of thought in my brain.

These channels inadvertently push me to question my train of thought and behavior even more so than I already did before.

Being this isolated from quite literally everyone and everything creates a perfect storm to where all of us are forced, at one point or another, to focus inward.

Forced to deal with emotions and anxiety I’ve shrugged off my shoulders, because I could distract myself with work, shopping, or visiting family.

But to say I can now deal with bottled up emotions and fears because I have fewer distractions and more time on my hands is not fair and incredibly unrealistic.

If anything my worries have multiplied. I have family, including my husband, mother, stepdad, and dad who still are working.

I have a family and household to run just like everyone else out there. A toddler who I try to keep busy. Telling her we can’t go to the playground that’s only three houses down because “it’s closed.”

There’s still a looming pandemic hovering over the entire planet. A simultaneous human collective of worry and uncertainty probably only felt in times of war.

The empathic part of me picks up on this collective.

My imagination can fast forward and predict what’s going to happen next.

I fear for those who have little, and some how through this have even less. For those who don’t have a plan B, because plan A just has to work. And for those who are putting their own lives on the line to help others stay alive.

It took my husband and I many many years to be in the position we are in right now. Thus far we will have only minor setbacks, and I’m beyond grateful to say nothing more.

The fear of getting sick, my loved ones getting sick and possibly dying, is going to be in the back of my brain for awhile.

So when my therapist inquires how I’m doing during our weekly phone sessions I honestly don’t know what to say.

I pretend I’m handling everything well because that’s how I get through life. Our minds are powerful and will believe what we tell it; perception is reality.

Eventually, I will believe that I’m okay. Because I also know that things could be much worse.

So I’m keeping myself busy. Distracting myself from what’s happening around the world by creating a sense of accomplishment of making our house into a home.

I may not be saving the world, but I can do my part in not spreading this virus to the most vulnerable by staying home and taking care of my family.

Join me on my path back to hope~

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