Consistentcy with changing my thought processes is probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

Who wouldn’t find this challenging?

Cutting unhealthy habits in the physical as well as the mental realms is not a quick or easy task.

There are some things that cannot be completely wiped off our slates though.

Some things stay with us for the rest of our lives. And that’s ok. The challenge then would be how to learn to live with it.

But what if I didn’t even realize that I had a problem in the first place? It’s like wanting answers but not knowing what questions to ask.

I didn’t realize how toxic some of my thoughts and attitudes really were and how they affected me, and in turn affected others.

My anxiety plays a huge role in how I react as well.

Something has been off about me. I missed one of my sessions with my therapist so hopefully she can help me figure out what’s going on in my


I had every intention, again, to do one entry per week. I started writing this over a week ago but came to a brain dead stand still once I started my new position at work.

Starting something new, especially while dealing with my grief, was going to be challenging. I knew that.

But the gravity of getting into a new routine, meeting new people, and constantly being stimulated by said people weighed heavy on my anxiety levels.

Every day after my shift I could feel my brain turn into moosh. Especially the days where I had to work both my jobs. Calm and collected in the morning; perky and energetic in the afternoon.

There’s a level of fakeness I have to present to others. Placing a mask over my face on a regular basis, like most people do.

I wear it so often that I either don’t know how to be myself anymore, or I hope the mask becomes real.

Take anxiety for example. I can feel the worry of uncertainty building in my chest, my thoughts start racing, uncontrollable sweats, breath becomes shallow.

So I take out my mask. Tell myself I’m going to be ok. Take deeper breaths with my diaphram and not my chest. Focus my thoughts on the people who need me. My job requires me to be calm.

One of my super powers is anticipating the needs of others. Unfortunately I have ignored my own needs for most of my life. But that’s another story I’m not going to get into.

So for now I’ll just wear the mask. Getting a handle on my anxiety will just take time, because I’ve learned recently that it will never go away.

And if my writing is any indication of what my brain is like then I am doomed because this entire entry feels scattered.

Join me on my path back to hope~

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