pay it forward

This is my hell week.

Ok that’s a little dramatic. It’s my last week before I start my new job (well I already work for this company, now I have a permanent position).

I’m pushing through long hours and middle of the day shifts towards a job that is much better for me. The most important thing is that I’ll have more time with my family.

My anxiety has fluctuated to where I can either breathe through it and focus on something else or be completely consumed for hours.

While other days I feel great, without an ounce of nervous energy anywhere near me.

I’m working on how to live with it, but honestly I’m being triggered by being away from my family too much. The feeling of being in a constant rush is not something I can tolerate for too long.

With all this rushing around and filling every moment with a meaningless activity has left little time to reflect on my girls. As I’ve discovered in the past doing this makes me into a ticking time bomb.

There’s so much to reflect on recently that I haven’t even scratched the surface of what it all means.

My husband is holding a lot of his emotions in just to get through the day, and talking about the girls is painful.

He opens up to his friends, but he hasn’t gone through the process of therapy like I have to help him heal.

Everyone heals in their own way; what’s good for me might not work for him.

But how do we handle being told that your girls don’t get a social security number because they were born and past away on the same day?

As if they were never really born. Like they weren’t people at all.

We thought that constantly explaining what happened to the girls was in our past.

Tax season and changing over insurances keeps our wounds open and fresh, getting stabbed by each and every unsympathetic person who just wants to get through our call and move on to the next.

The blatant lack of empathy really shocks me. I can tell the difference between not knowing what to say and not caring about what I just told someone about the girls.

In any case, at the end of the day I don’t need everyone to understand and sympathize.

But a shred of kindness goes a long way even if you have to fake it.

Because one day everyone will need that kindness, so why not pay it forward?

Hope is this way~

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