You know that meme with the cute cartoon dog surrounded by a room full of fire? The caption is usually “this is fine.”
Well, that’s sort of how my life has been feeling lately.
It’s a hilarious meme, I reference it all the time at work when tasks become overwhelming or when people are rude.
With that said, I feel like I’m surrounded by fire.
I had a breakdown last night in the middle of making dinner.
I was truly honest to God completely ok before that. But the realization that my stepfather might not wake up after his surgery hit me hard and hit me fast.
Several hours had past since he was out of the operating room and my mom wasn’t answering her phone.
I’ve lived my entire life with the notion that “this is fine.” That I can handle whatever life throws at me. That whatever will be will be.
Experiencing my loves ones dying last year has brought death much closer to my doorstep. It is quite real, irreversible, and final.
I believe in an afterlife and that we will all see each other again. But as of right now, that knowledge isn’t comforting.
So the very real idea that I could lose another family member was overwhelming and I took my emotions seriously.
I let the tears out. I gasped for air. I frantically checked my phone for answers.
I didn’t hold it in and convince myself that “this is fine.” Because sometimes it’s not.
Thanks be to God and the universe he woke up and is now home and resting. Maybe I overreacted? But, hey, I’m at peace with that.
I haven’t mentioned God very much in my entries and that was frankly intentional.
I was mad at the creator for a long time and only recently have I let the spirit back into my life.
Since the birth of my girls my beliefs have shifted and to put it bluntly I’m even more open to other religions, lifestyles, and ways of thinking that aren’t exactly copacetic with Christianity.
I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty details of what that entails, but it feels great to accept those parts of myself and not care if other people are on board with me.
The flames are rapidly being extinguished as the week is coming to an end and that feels so good.
I’ve worked really hard to do better and be better. Humbling myself, apologizing when I was in the wrong (or even when I wasn’t), taking responsibility for my actions, and finding ways out when I feel trapped.
Its been a long and both physically and mentally demanding week, but I can sense the ever illusive feeling of hope at my fingertips, even through the flames~