When I was pregnant my weight peaked at 215 lbs. Insane right? I gained over 50 lbs. Honestly I stopped checking the scale towards the end.
To put things into perspective though, it’s normal to gain that much(ish) weight when having multiples. AND to top it off my pregnancy was complicated. The way in which my girls were conjoined made it difficult for them to swallow their amniotic fluid.
So I looked full term at only six months. Just imagine the pressure on my back. Every inch from sternum to pelvic floor was maximized.
Not to mention the rate at which I grew stretched my skin into a painfully itchy paper thin mess.
What gives me joy through my grief and guilt is picturing them swimming in all that fluid.
Can you picture it?
What was it like from their perspective?
A cosmic, warm, dark, squishy existence with seemingly endless amounts of time and space to float. And neither were alone. They had each other, and me.
Not to mention the beautiful coordination it took to move around as much as they did. And I felt every single kick from all four legs and every punch from their shared two arms.
I’m also incredibly proud of what I’ve accomplished with my body in just eight months postpartum.
I’m down to 175 lbs. More importantly though, I’ve gained my strength back, flexibility, and confidence after what feels like ravaging my body and putting it through hell.
That hell was worth every second and I wouldn’t change one thing.
But I didn’t recognize myself after the girls were born.
A deflated wrinkly stomach that I could completely disregard if I had my beautiful babies to cradle in my arms.
So, at 10 weeks postpartum, I decided to seek out a personal trainer. I needed a lot of help, and I didn’t have any background in the proper use of exercise equipment.
I still have many hurdles to jump but physically I have never felt better. I neither want nor do I have a need to be thin.
I want to be and stay strong.
I’m still working on the mental and emotional part of that equation.
But I’ll get there.
My heart still aches, and my brain is still coming to terms with what happened. So reminiscing is just plain hard to do.
The memory of them swimming will always stay with me and bring me so much joy in my darkest hour.
And I will always cherish the feeling of their kicks.
Join me on my path back to hope~