no comfort in the shadows
The feeling of being trapped has subsided, at least for now.
Ideally I would like to focus on all the positive aspects of my life instead of dwelling on what hasn’t been or never will be.
Because if I know anything about this life is that it is ever changing. It is fluid.
A constant swaying motion of give and take.
The energy I put into something will come right back at me.
The goal is to put my energy and attention into things that are important to me. Like expanding this blog, my art, and my family.
I have to admit, my grief has had a strange affect on me. The more stress I shoulder the harder it is to keep myself together.
I’ve been giving myself permission to express my emotions, but sometimes I cross the line and take that expression too far.
Its strange, I don’t really care how other people feel about it. It’s not my job to make everyone comfortable every second of every day.
My main concern is my family first and then self preservation.
Ok here’s the deal. I wrote this last week, and reading it now a week later, I was definitely stuck in my own head.
I’m not going to edit what I wrote because it’s a glimpse into parts of my psyche that I don’t want to share.
I really do care about people. When they act or say something to hurt me or others, even in a passive way, I notice.
I’m a little more vulnerable and open than usual too so that doesn’t help how I filter the world.
And I notice the subtleties of body language, word usage, and tone that give away a person’s intentions.
I have managed to power down my antenna and close off my heart a bit in an effort to not let every seemingly annoying thing or person get to me.
I’m really proud of myself for that. Too often I get stuck in my own thoughts and my perceived reality, thinking that everyone is “out to get me.”
I’ve pushed my sadness towards the back burner, which I know will have devastating effects in the future.
But its in my nature to lift the spirits of others and make silly jokes and comments to counteract how overwhelming work can be, which is where I’ve been spending most of my time lately.
If I have to spend eight hours, five days a week in one building, come hell or high water I’m gonna make the best of it. Sadness or not.
On another note, I intend on going back to one entry per week. The holidays, moving, prioritizing family, and working full time take up most of my attention these days.
This blog is one of the elements helping me to heal, so I need to make it a priority.
Being this hectic is only temporary, but unfortunately being scatterbrained is for life.
Join me on my path back to hope~