let the light in

I’m really enjoying all the green that has taken over every irrigation ditch and distant hill top in our small valley due to ample amounts of rain.

I’m soaking in every speck of beauty and act of kindness that I can gather in order to counter act the way I’ve been feeling lately.

I haven’t really told anyone exactly what I’ve been feeling, mostly because I don’t know how to explain it or if it’s just fleeting.

It’s a sense of being trapped. Of impending doom. Hairs on the back of my neck standing up while being afraid to look around the corner of what’s going to happen next.

My nerves are basically shot, and unfortunately it comes out of me in the form of sweat. I remembered why I don’t wear light colored shirts to work (so embarrasing).

What is supposed to be wonderful “sweater weather” is not for me. Doesn’t matter that it’s been below freezing either. What am I going to do when its actually hot out?

In the back of mind I’m pondering a change in hormones. I gave birth seven months ago, so its possible.

The thought of giving birth only 7 months ago is a stab in my gut. I meet people who have 7 month old infants and I think, that could have been me.

I have so much to be happy about, I know that.

And I am happy, but I still feel incredibly broken and just plain sad.

A sadness I just can’t shake.

I’ve opened my heart so much that closing it off some days is simply impossible. With every stitch I sew of joy and love a seam inevitably gets popped open exposing a technicolor emotional motherboard laced with bad hot-wiring.

Like I’ve said before, I’m not the person I used to be. I don’t handle life the way I used to.

I’m more open. I try to say what I feel instead of holding it in.

I have a shorter fuse. As I get older I’m taking less and less shit from people.

The girls have taught me that life is too short to be rude. Life is way too short to put up with said rudeness, but also know when to pick my battles and brush it off my shoulders.

The new year is upon us and honestly it makes no difference to me. I don’t live my life by arbitrary timelines of hoping that next year will be “better.”

I will do better and be better whether it’s the new year or not. The time is now.

I will always try to let the light in.

Many thanks to those who have hitched a ride on my crazy train back to hope~

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