I said I would leave the light on for the universe in a desperate attempt for guidance and nudges in the right direction, on its own timeline, and not my own.

But the universe has overstayed their welcome this week, I dare say this whole friggin’ year.

Frustrating as it is, guidance doesn’t come when its convenient, when I’m ready, or for any foreseeable reason.

I’ve taken my complicated pregnancy and every miniscule thing that goes with that in stride.

Bringing a human into the world in of itself is a stressful and joyful duality of a experience. The stress and joy I endured from growing my girls inside of me, to birth, to the heartbreak of not having them here in my arms on Earth, is not a load many have carried.

My heart goes out to all the conjoined twin mommas and papas out there, and all the family members and friends who loved those twins just as much.

Even with the seemingly endless heartbreak and knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t change any of my decisions.

Our twins are worth everything.

I still carry my burdens and thoughts that I could have done more. Maybe I didn’t hold them enough or took enough pictures. Over time those thoughts will fade, but they will never leave me. Again, our twins are worth it.

The month of May used to be a time just to celebrate my birthday and when I finally became a mother to my oldest, mothers day. Now we will celebrate the girls birthday too.

Looking back I don’t know how I got through that month. My mom had a cocktail of pneumonia, lingering congestive heart failure, and unregulated diabetes that came to a head. I still need her my life, especially now. So the thought of this being her undoing was too much to take.

The summer was filled with figuring out how to carry on with my grief and life without the girls. Once therapy sessions and workouts were settled, I also helped take care of my mom.

Fall brought about going back to several jobs, not taking classes this semester, thoughts of changing my career field entirely, and trying to buy a house.

Flash forward to the present, the reason why this post is late is due to exhaustion from working almost every day and taking care of my husband after dislocating his knee. A sick and defiant toddler is also draining.

But this is life.

Its not all rainbows and butterflies. There’s unfathomable pain and suffering in all of our futures, but also boundless love.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

And I accept this contrast that life brings. Whatever pain I endure is valid, and so is yours.

Join me on my path back to hope~