with a bang

Do you ever feel like you’re not enough? Well, apparently I do.

I told myself that what I’ve been doing recently with my jobs, family, and recovery is fulfilling and that I don’t need to do more. I don’t need to take classes right now or work every single day just to come home to chores and cooking.

What genius idea did I come up with that says otherwise? I applied for yet another job.

After talking to my therapist about many things this was the one topic that put a puzzled look on her face. I tried to be logical about it, but I’m kidding myself.

Society has made us believe that women should be doing it all. Sure you can pop out some babies but make sure to go right back to your career and work yourself to the bone, while still keeping your figure and not complaining about it.

I don’t want to get into this multifaceted topic too deeply because I could go on forever. What a woman chooses to do with her life is her right and her business.

But this idea is stuck in my head that I should be doing more because I’m able bodied and have (minimal) pockets of time that could be filled with something.

I was raised by a very strong willed single mother of two who valued her work and independence. Her tenacity and no complaining attitude is also in the back of my brain.

So the gist is that whatever I choose to do with my life is enough, no matter what anyone else perceives. And I need to start believing it.

I don’t have to prove that I’m strong by holding myself together all the time.

I don’t have to prove that I’m hard working by taking on all these jobs.

I don’t have to prove that I’m intelligent by earning a degree that I don’t really want.

And I don’t have to live up to anyone’s expectations (whatever those even are).

-Lets say it louder for people in the back-

Because when I lay my head down at night I’m the one who has to live with my decisions and their consequences.

My husband thinks I’m complete, and that’s the only opinion that truly matters.

But I would be lying if I said this was the only topic nagging me this week.

Many things remind me of the girls and trigger me both good and bad. What I will not stand for is gawking and making fun of people with two heads, or anyone with any type of disability or disfigurement of their body for that matter.

I’ve seen several Halloween Siamese gags recently and in the past, and frankly they are tasteless.

Shaming the disenfranchised doesn’t hold up in the world we live in today, and I’m ok with voicing my opinion about it.

While ending that entry with a bang, join me on my path back to hope~

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