looking in

The transmission I received from last week is blatantly bleeding into the next.

What is the universe trying to tell me? Heck if I know.

But I’m leaving the light on just in case.

All antenna’s are pointed towards the sky.

And as I start to settle into a partial manner of a routine, I realize how broken I still am. I realize how much I miss my girls in every capacity imaginable that I never was able to experience as a family.

How everything reminds me of them, of what could have been.

And to further bring everything to the forefront of my brain, October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I now have a greater sense of empathy and appreciation for fellow bereaved parents, I know their pain.

I finally built up the courage to visit a special part of our local cemetery that’s dedicated specifically for children. There are bricks that can be purchased to commemorate the life of a child, but our girls brick isn’t there yet. It was emotionally overwhelming to be there, especially right after my therapy session.

Mostly I feel like an outsider looking in on my life. Standing on my tippy toes with eyes grazing over the tops of heads to get a better view. Wanting to know what all the fuss is about, but not truly comprehending what my eyes have witnessed.

Maybe that’s the brains way of protecting the vessel, because personally its become increasingly challenging trying to carry this burden.

Figuring out how my emotions fit in the day to day. How to act around people who used to know me as this silly yet feisty individual. Not someone who caves into herself constantly and is hyper aware of everyone.

But as the week comes to an end I’m trying to revel on the new physically strong, open-hearted, and confident person that I’ve molded myself into.

For those are no easy feats to accomplish in such a short amount of time, or at all for that matter, and I need to stop playing it off like they were.

Join me on my path back to hope~