regaining my wings

Its strange how one small seemingly insignificant thing can take me back to a moment where I was the most vulnerable. During a time of incredible uncertainty and heartbreak.

I caught a glimpse of my wrist as I was sitting and stretching on the turf right before my workout was about to start.

There’s a spot just a few inches away from my right wrist on my forearm that’s a bit pudgier than my left wrist.

Why am I pudgy on this spot? This is where one of my IV’s was when the girls were born.

This particular IV wasn’t placed correctly. As I lay in my hospital bed hooked up to an IV, an EKG, a catheter, no lower mobility from my epidural and waiting to see my girls for the first time in the NICU, I caught a glimpse of it buldging.

The fluids were not entering my veins properly. It was fixed immediately by my wonderfully amazing nurse, who took great care of me the whole time. All of the staff did.

Looking at this squishy part of my wrist gave me an instant flashback to that morning. I suddenly became very anxious, and incredibly heartbroken. What do I say to the people stretching next to me? They ask me how I’m doing, and I just say good.

I wasn’t expecting to feel this way. Who would really.

In general I’ve been feeling very off the past few weeks, but in light of my new job I was trying to push the emotions down and focus on the task at hand.

Putting my emotions on the back burner has essentially back fired. The anxiety building in my stomach and spreading to my other organs is not normal and is something I shouldn’t ignore.

Talking this through to my therapist this week really helped solidify what I needed to do next.

With my mental health being at the forefront for my reasoning I made a few drastic decisions.

The dust is still settling, and there’s more difficult decisions to come.

But the trauma that I have been through has caused me to look at life through a new lens.

Join me on my path to regaining my wings~

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