ups & downs

Fear is a powerfully aggressive and sneaky emotion.

Striking me in the chest one moment, and then picking me back up and brushing me off.

My fears hide behind a mask called anxiety.

It stops me from trying new things, talking to people, or sometimes making tough decisions.

Well, my fears really got the best of me this week.

Its not something I like to admit. It makes me feel weak.

But I need to give myself a break and not care whether or not people want to judge me for it.

Because my reality is that I went through some serious shit only 3.5 months ago. And I’m still dealing with my grief.

I thank God for my therapist because now that I have her, I really don’t know how I would have done this on my own.

And I mean actually dealing with my grief, not just pushing everything deep down within myself and letting it fester until I explode.

I have started one of my new jobs, and I’m still going through the hiring process for another. Even though this is not a difficult job in the slightest, and the kids are so cute, I still feel anxious about it because its another change for me.

A twist of fate and crossed fingers has lead me to pursue full time work. I resisted this at first because I’m not ready. But our family wants more out of life, and sacrifices have to be made. Even if its for a short time.

Basically, I’ll probably have to quit my brand new jobs in order to find one full time. This is causing me extreme anxiety, but I’m getting used to the idea now.

Job hunting can be very difficult and tiresome. And finding something I’m actually qualified for and is full time is like finding a needle in a hay stack. But I’m keeping the faith none the less.

This year has been filled with so many changes, ups and downs, highs and lows, but its not over yet.

Join me on my path back to hope~

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