There are days when I want to sink into myself, like a snail retreating into its shell after it touches something foreign. Its a habit I’ve been trying to break, among other things.
My anxiety levels have reached an all time high, making the force pulling me back into my shell even more difficult to fight off.
Starting two brand new jobs very soon, not going to school this semester, trying to live with the girls passing, among many other things, are lingering on my mind.
And I just want to say that I edit myself. A lot. Not just in person but also on the blog. In my own words I “tone down the crazy.”
Its for several reasons. Mostly I like to keep things short, sweet, and to the point.
The down side is that I don’t get to fully express everything that’s on my mind. Which might be a good thing. Once Pandora’s box is open it sure is hard to close.
There is also a fear of judgement. I have never expressed myself so forwardly in my life about my deepest and most embarrassing thoughts, up until now.
Something changed in my late twenties. Well, I think its because my daughter was born.
Was I ready for her and knew what I was doing? Nope. Did I want her more than anything? Heck yes.
She gave me the confidence to speak up and live my life without as much editing of what I was going to say and how I was going to say it. Without having to second guess every decision. And to not seek out so much approval from people I don’t even give a damn about.
I still continue to edit myself, but now its on my terms.
I’ve accepted my awkward weirdness and now I kind of thrive on it, whether people are on-board or not.
My daughter has helped me to “come out of my shell,” and my twins are the true catalyst for me wanting to strive for more. Willow and Evangelene coming into my life is such an indescribable blessing.
The fact that they chose me to be their mom and they fought so hard to be here despite the odds, is a feeling so powerful, that it becomes purposeful. That they came to this earth for a reason, a mission. And having this knowledge has propelled me forward into wanting more out of life. Wanting to make them proud. To truly follow my talents and creativity.
Because they have taught me that life is short.
For some, even shorter. So why waste time on things that are not purposeful?
My girls are my hope~