So…where do I begin…possibly from the start?
This week was quite the emotional roller coaster. Starting last Sunday (because my weeks begin on Sunday, thanks every retail job I’ve ever had for instilling this in me), when I couldn’t shake an intense feeling of anger.
I used to be quite a little angry gal in my teenage years going into my mid twenties. Long story short, I held almost all of my emotions inside instead of expressing them in fear of upsetting people. I don’t do this now; the trick is trying to get me to shut up.
So I know my fair share of frustration and anger, and this wasn’t one of those times. This was different.
It persisted for days, then turned into an anxiety ridden breakdown in front of one of my trainers.
I’ve been giving myself a lot of grace and time so I can heal both emotionally and physically. So I’m not too hard on myself about the breakdown.
But something was definitely up.
Turns out I started my period. And not just any period. The first period after my pregnancy. I thought it started a few weeks back, but must have been residual lochia.
I should have known it was that time of the month when a friggin’ chocolate chip cookie made me feel better.
In hindsight, all of these emotions make sense. But at the time, I felt so irritated and overwhelmed.
The thought of my body starting its menstrual cycle again makes me incredibly sad. And not because of how inconvenient and uncomfortable they are.
But because it signifies the end of my pregnancy with my girls. It is done. My body has moved on.
My husband is gone this week, so I don’t have him to lean on. Its kinda lonely. He’s visiting his grandfather in Mexico because he’s not doing so well. So its important for him to be there.
The anger has mostly faded away, to be replaced by sadness and exhaustion. Seeing anything baby related, especially with those who are expecting, just makes me incredibly sad. I’m happy for them of course, but it definitely stings.
Hopefully next week will be better than this shark week.
Please join me on my path back to hope~