staircase to somewhere
I have realized that there isn’t a right or wrong, or even a “normal” way, to accepting grief. Everyone handles it differently, and at their own pace.
Sometimes it hits me out of nowhere, at the most inconvenient time. Some days I feel nothing, other days I feel it all. Still other days there’s guilt in the back of my mind for letting myself experience joy.
I carry mine throughout the entirety of every atom of my being.
A colossal feeling. Weighing down my mind, my body, my heart.
I didn’t understand what this feeling was at first. If it was anything at all. Until I described it to my therapist, and she knew right away. Its grief.
Since we finally got our girls ashes back I’ve been planning and getting things together for their memorial, which was this past Monday. I like to make things, so I did all of the decor and favors, and found pretty templates for the invitations and their obituary.
Writing their obituary was tough; I never thought I would be doing this for my babies. The worst kind of hell is outliving your children.
I wanted to get the wording just right, or at least close enough. But honestly its nice that all of the planning and the service is over. Its draining for me to be around a lot of people, especially during such an emotional event. I do appreciate every single person that came. From family and friends to complete strangers who wanted to pay their respects to two souls that most haven’t even met.
The days leading up to the memorial is when I really felt the weight of all of the stress and grief I’ve been carrying.
Now the weight seems to be lifting bit by bit with the passing of time. I’m not sure how to feel about it, but it sure as hell makes me feel incredibly guilty. Because I’m not “over” them. I never will be.
I’m grateful for the time I had with Willow and Evangelene. But I’m selfish, because I want more.
So, I walk around carrying this weight, taking it day by day. Trying to do better, and be better.
That’s just who I am.
Climbing a seemingly endless staircase, trying to do better, and be better with each grasp and step. Because eventually it will lead to somewhere.
Join me on my path back to hope~