towards the light

I have never felt a more constant state of exhaustion before.

Even when my oldest daughter was a newborn and I was running on pure adrenaline, because I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I’m not even working, and yet I’m tired. Even when I worked full time, took an 8 week online class, and maintained my household and family. I felt more sane then, than I do now.

Something is definitely off in my head. And now its just annoying.

I’m used to juggling many activities and jobs.

And there’s really no one to talk to about it. Because everyone wants me to be ok. Or no one knows what to say and its just awkward.

Firstly, there’s not a lot of people out in the world that can relate to what me and my husband went through. Conjoined twins are a rarity in itself, and the fact that we continued on with the pregnancy knowing the odds is even rarer.

Luckily we found a community of parents on Facebook who have already given birth to conjoined twins, or are about to. They don’t know this, but to me those parents and families are remarkable and incredibly special. And I can say wholeheartedly that I know exactly what they are going through. Their fears. Doubts. Hopes. Their heartache. All of it. I cringe every time theirs a new member. And yet we all feel blessed to have our twins and would never change it.

And I really do know why I’m exhausted; its not some huge revelation. I went through some serious trauma, and my therapist reminded me that it happened only two months ago.

What’s new is not knowing how to escape it.

For once in my life the foreseeable future is incredibly foggy. I don’t know how I’m going to overcome this, if ever, or how to live with it and function normally. Before all of this I would just set goals and look forward to accomplishing them. Taking joy in the little things. Day dream about the future.

Now there’s this dark cloud hanging over my head.

The goals that I set for myself before I knew I was having conjoined twins don’t feel like they apply anymore. I am a different person, with new found priorities and needs. I’ve had to question what’s really, truly, important in my life, and weed out all of the bullshit. Because I don’t have the mentality or the energy for shenanigans anymore.

There’s lies my dilemma: accepting my dark cloud, and using it to propel myself forward towards the horizon that is the new me. Like a seed sprouting its way from the darkness towards the light creeping through the panels of the floor boards.

I’m exhausted just thinking about it. If you need me, leave a message after the beep.

Hope is this way~

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