Sometimes I don’t even know which emotions are real anymore. I have to be a mom to my daughter, so I put on a happy face. I have to be a wife to my husband, so I put on an encouraging smile.

The fact that they are in my life in of itself makes me incredibly happy of course. But there are moments deep down I know I should be feeling a certain way, but I act the complete opposite. Honestly this is probably true of any parent or guardian. Or just being human in general. Sometimes the emotional needs of our children, families, and friends trumps our own.

Its not because I want to be a martyr; unfortunately life doesn’t just start and stop when its convenient for me. I have to carry on with all of the little routines and get through the day because guess what? There is a tomorrow, and its coming.

All of this fake smiling is essentially repressing my real emotions, and that’s not good for anyone. Bottling up my emotions leads to one thing: total meltdown. I know I’m internalizing them. Again. I am now self aware, and its a new skill for me to realize I’m suppressing something, and then stopping myself from doing it.

And the worst part? My family feeds off of my energy. If I’m upset, they inadvertently get upset too.

But when I look at pictures, a rush of emotions washes over me, and I’m reminded of how sad I really feel. Those are the only pictures I will ever have of them. They will never change. Or get older.

I tried everything I could to keep my girls, but at the end of the day, everything was out of my hands.

I’ve never been to a therapist before, but I’m seeing one this week. I’m definitely open to talking to a professional. And it can’t hurt to give it the old college try.

Essentially the name of the game is self expression. It feels damn good when I release what I actually mean.

And not in a rude or hurtful way, just concise and straight forward.

To say what I actually mean, instead of tip toeing around people. Catering to their emotional needs first and not my own. Reading their body language and facial expressions, and acting accordingly. I am a master at that.

I will save this mastery for the ones that I love though. For the moments when its not about me, but about them.

I’ve come to the realization that if I need to grieve, I can do it on my own time. Late at night, after I drop my daughter off at preschool, in the shower. And I’m ok with that. So if you see me and I look put together and sane, chances are I am not. Dark circles, stress acne, slouched shoulders, blank gaze, half-hearted smile.

Join me on my path back to hope~