My husband and I took a quick trip to Riverside to finally pick up our girls ashes. The city is just east of Los Angeles, so about a 3 hour drive for us. We needed to pick them up that day because the mortuary had very limited hours.

I understand there’s lot of paperwork involved, and we actually needed two permits for them, but I’ve had enough after waiting 5+ weeks. I needed my girls back.

Seeing them in a small white plastic urn no bigger than the length of my hand was overwhelming. I didn’t really know what to expect, but the urn is so tiny. We’ve been doing some online shopping to get the girls a proper urn as their final resting place, but its been difficult finding one for twins.

I knew it was going to be hot that day, but boy was it HOT. Temperatures reached 100 degrees. Lets just say it finally feels like summer. Taking in the hot air in my lungs and smelling the trees brought back something familiar. It felt like my childhood. I loved playing outside as a kid. Riding bikes, rollerblading, playing Harriet the Spy in my tree house, exploring the ditch, playgrounds, you name it. That feeling and those memories came rushing back to me with that smell. I didn’t expect it, but I welcomed it.

A lot of things feel new since the passing of our girls. Or I’ve just been paying more attention to the subtleties around me, letting myself day dream and reminisce. Appreciating the things that are easily missed looking out the car window or taking a walk. I guess a traumatic event and major surgery will do that to you. I’ve committed myself to take more pictures of these subtleties that inspire me to write and create.

Usually those moments are brief, because something will trigger me back to reality. But I hang on to those moments none the less.

I’m glad summer is finally here. I’m really looking forward to the sunshine and being outdoors again. Although we can always be outdoors, this is California after all. But now its hot enough to swim in the ocean, which is always freezing.

Recovering from my c-section has made me feel trapped. Lets just say I don’t sit still very well. Even the last few months of my pregnancy had proven difficult because of the extra weight pressing on my back. So I didn’t get out very much. Furthermore, when we returned home after surgery, the weather was incredibly gloomy and rainy. As if the skies were weeping with me. And I was stuck on the couch, again.

So I am going to soak up some sun this summer. The outdoors really raises my spirits, and I need all I can get at this point. Even if its just lounging in a lawn chair in my over grown back yard, I’ll take it. And don’t forget your sunscreen.

Join me on my path back to hope~