Journeying back to hope…what the heck does that even mean?

For me its pretty profound.

It means going back to a mindset that used to focus on a tiny pin point of light, when surrounded by utter darkness. Finding the positive when surrounded by negativity, no matter how dire or difficult the situation. And not getting upset over the little things, just moving on and laughing at how ridiculous life gets sometimes.

It also means being able to express myself, which encompasses all emotions not just the “acceptable” ones. There is a time and place for everything of course. I’m talking about not being able to express my emotions of anger, fear, and sadness with family and friends without judgement. You know what? I feel so much better after getting those feelings out. And as it turns out my assumptions of being judged are false.

Even though I’ve said stupid things to people, I’ve judged people wrongly, I’ve overreacted, didn’t react at all, or avoided the right people, its because I wasn’t ok with myself. But I still kept moving forward and tried to improve the things I didn’t like, while keeping a weathered eye on the embarrassing moments.

The person I was before my girls died had a mindscape that was naive. I didn’t know or could even fathom true pain, so looking on the bright side of things was in a way “easy.” Now begins the hard work of dealing with my emotions head on and not just locking them away in the recesses of my brain. Because knowing they wouldn’t live long after birth, and actually experiencing it, are two different things.

I didn’t know I could, or would ever, feel these emotions. Going through this process has affected my brain in ways I can’t fully explain. I’ve lost a lot of my focusing power and spatial recognition. Even writing these posts have proved to be a challenge. I have to remind myself that the brain is just another organ like any other in our bodies. When it goes through trauma, it also needs time to heal.

So the gist of my world right now is focusing on mental health: “journeying back to hope” as it were. That means taking care of not only my family, but also myself in the process (which has become a balancing act). I can’t go back to who I was, but there are gems from that woman’s hopeful spirit that I need to get back.

Join me on my path back to her~

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