Month: December 2019

Uncategorized

into oblivion

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A cup can only hold so much substance until it over flows. My own cup is about ready to boil over.

I can only handle so much death, injury, and illness happening to my loved ones before my body and my mind start to break down.

The human body can sustain much stress; that’s how we have survived for thousands of years.

But my circuits are currently over loaded with the thoughts and feelings I’ve recently allowed myself to process.

Over the past few months I’ve reached several points of exhaustion. I’ve probably pushed my body a little too far with my workouts on top of a very physically demanding job, without proper nourishment of food and rest.

Anxiety levels have peaked as well from the depths of my subconsciouse. How do I know this? Nausea has set in almost every day, several times a time.

I’m used to pushing myself. I have this nagging “I can always do more” attitude that’s not a healthy mantra to listen to at this point.

Like I’ve mentioned before, the universe has told me to slow down, but my life has kicked me into full gear with events completely out of my control.

It’s only been 7 months since my girls were born, and passed on. I’m still healing, coping, and grieving.

It’s only been 5 months since I started therapy and exercise. A process that has opened me up not only on how to deal with my girls short life, but also understanding who I am and what I need.

I’m the captain of my family’s ship: emotionally, spiritually, physically, everything. If I go down, everyone inevitably goes down with me. I just won’t let that happen.

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I wrote the above paragraphs two weeks ago, hence my lack of post last week. To say I was overwhelmed and stressed would have been an understatement.

There was no time or mental capacity to finish when so many important events were happening.

It took us four months and half a dozen denials, but we purchased our first home. The excitement was quickly watered down with the dread of moving all our crap.

I have the most amazing sister who was one of the only people that helped me move all of our stuff, since my husband is healing from a dislocated knee and I still have to work.

A promotion is on the horizon as well, pushing my mental frame even further into the ether.

What my friends, family, and coworkers don’t understand is that I’m not the person I once was. Perhaps I never will be. Honestly I’m better than I was.

Sure I have strong bouts of anxiety, occasional depression, hyper sensitivities, and soul crushing grief, just to name a few.

But I have a fresh perspective on life, a greater sense of empathy, and a creative spirit that has been released out of its logical confines.

I’m constantly trying to look up. Figuratively and quite literally.

To not cave into myself or get stuck in my own head.

The trance of letting myself sink into oblivion is quite intoxicating and indescribable. But there is no life for me there.

There is no life for anyone there.

Join me on my path back to hope~

Uncategorized

armor

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There’s been a lot going on these past few weeks and I have a feeling that everything is coming to a head soon, ready to burst all over my face.

But this blog has truly been one of my saving graces.

I have never been this open with my thoughts before either with my friends or family, let alone publicly. It has taken a lot of effort on my part to be comfortable with expressing myself with seemingly effortlessness.

My go-to would be to wad up all my feelings into a crumpled ball and chuck it in the wind. At the time I didn’t realize I was compartmentalizing my feelings. But losing my girls brought me to a point in my life where I had to deal with my emotions or become a ticking time bomb.

Either drowning in my own grief and my lack of emotional coping skills, or putting myself back together for my daughter, my husband, and for myself. Filtering information from the world around me like a

To this day I find myself building up armor delicately faceted to my body like a pill bug, tricking all intruders to believing that its made of strength and confidence. Each day I laboriously chip away at this falsity, exposing my heart with each falling piece.

The girls have been on my mind a lot lately, I think its inevitable with the holiday season.

I’ll randomly get a flash in my mind of them hooked up to wires and breathing tubes and suddenly my gut clenches. My breath lodges itself in my throat and I have a mini panic attack.

It’s quite a horrible flashback, and makes me incredibly heartbroken. I’ve had a few of these flashbacks this week, and always at the most inappropriate times.

I’m very self conscious so I don’t like to cry around people. I prefer to grieve or have a really good cry in private if I can help it.

Although my eyes are usually the dead give away of how I’m feeling, but most people don’t pay that close attention.

I’m ripping a page out of my own book by taking each day as they come. That’s really all I can do at this point.

Steadying my compass and my mind towards positivity, especially when times are hard.

Join me on my path back to hope~

Uncategorized

gust

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Its that time again. When the year comes to a close, a new one is just on the horizon, and the events that have transpired are put into perspective and are posed for reflection.

I’ve been doing much reflection lately. I really had no choice in the sense that if I wanted to move forward with my life, reclaim my positive outlook, and fully submerge myself in learning from the consequences of my choices, picking myself up and dusting off my shoulders was the only way to go.

Even though many life altering events happened this year, and are continuing to do so, I like to challenge myself to see the silver lining.

I will reiterate that finding the silver lining in every situation is quite the challenge. I have to be open to see and learn from it.

Also, my spark and light are being tested. Flickering in and out with each relentless gust.

Did I pass those tests? I’m gonna be hard on myself and say I came close. I can do better.

I’ve been putting too much stock in negativity when I have so much to be thankful for. And many more things to focus on in general that are fantastic and wonderful that deserve my full attention.

The darkness that creeps into my heart when I’m pushed to my limits and when I’m exhausted, is difficult to fight off.

One droplet of this darkness is potent enough to manifest into something formidable.

But I refuse to feel sorry for myself. And I refuse to give in.

I’m fighting like the Dickens to not be consumed by it.

No matter how bad things get, they can always be worse right? That’s probably one of the most annoying phrases people say, but there are elements of truth in them.

Just because things could be worse doesn’t mean the pain I feel isn’t valid. That I need to move on with my grief, not that I ever really will, because other people have lost more than I have.

The point is to learn how to handle whatever life throws at me with grace and wisdom. Keeping in mind to appreciate what I still have.

I am incredibly thankful for my life, my loved ones, and the priveledges I was born with.

And that’s how I will guide my attention through this life.

Join me on my path back to hope~