The girls have been weighing heavy on my mind.
I think about them a lot.
They finally have a place at our local cemetery where all the other children are that have gone too soon.
The sweet memorial is surrounded by trees with wind chimes hanging from arches. At the center is the angel of hope statue watching over the brick path engraved with the names of children.
We had an unofficial ceremony where I invited all the grandparents (there’s 6) and my sister and her two daughters.
I didn’t let myself be in the moment though. When I think about it, I don’t allow myself to be in the moment more often than not.
I’ve recently come to the realization, with the help of my therapist, that I put the needs of others before my own.
For example at the cemetery.
I noticed everyone staring at me with sadness in their eyes, so I kept things lighthearted. It was a windy day and I noticed my daughter was cold, so I held and comforted her. And I noticed the tears in my mothers eyes, and I couldn’t bring myself to add to those tears with my own.
My mother is a twin herself and always wanted one of her daughters to have twins, so this has hit her harder than I will ever know.
I really love that we were blessed with twins, even if they were here for a short time. Twins are so special to me; I secretly love meeting new people just to find out that they have a twin. I have met so many recently.
When I think about it I’ve implemented this skill of fulfilling the needs of others over my own with most of my relationships.
Not that I let people walk all over me. I can just figure out someones mood through their body language, mannerisms, eye contact, and language, then implement ways of cheering them up through my humor.
I’ve always been really perceptive. More of a listener and observer than a talker.
What’s interesting is stopping myself from using this skill at work, and I’m better for it. I’m not rude, I just don’t engage with people the way I used to.
I enjoy opening up to people and being overly personal. I like to see their reactions. But I’m not going to do it anymore at the risk of my own energy.
We had our annual vacation this week. Our adventures were a nice distraction from the day to day and was a long time coming from a traumatic pregnancy, but I still haven’t processed what happened at the cemetery.
I plan to set up an ofrenda for Willow and Evangelene as dia de los muertos is nearing. We bought two alebrijes in San Diego to accompany their photo and other items. Setting this up for my girls is something I never dreamed I would have to do in my lifetime.
These past few weeks have all been about my girls and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Not having them here hurts like hell; truly the worst heartache anyone could ever experience. I don’t know how to handle that pain some days.
But like I’ve said before, I was chosen to be their mother, and knowing that fills my heart to keep going. To make them proud. To show my oldest daughter the strength that comes from love and family.
Join me on my path back to hope~